You are the light of the world–like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.

Matthew 5:14-16

In my time with God this morning, He is showing me a Chave family gathering, which happens each month. I’m not sitting in the corner while everybody else is talking, laughing and enjoying pizza. I’m actually right there in the midst of it all and I feel involved and part of the group. I see the Light that I’m reflecting outwards to my loved ones. Although, they do not say anything to me, in regards to this Light, I know they are feeling God’s glory all over them. Some may not recognize what is actually happening but they notice something and it’s good. I am happy for God and for myself. Victory all around!

I know I’ve shared some of my fears/social anxieties in previous posts but I’d like to carry on with this topic because it is important to my growth in Jesus Christ! Please forgive me if I repeat myself but I do need repetition to get God’s wisdom through my thick skull.

My family is god-sent. I prayed for this family at a young age (elementary school) because I am an only child and I was lonely quite a bit. No fault of my parents, they both had to work full-time for various reasons. I was alone after school and I always imagined what it would be like to leave school with a sibling. I walked to and from Palm Vista Elementary School each day and for little legs this was quite a distance. I can look back now and see that it really wasn’t that far but it would have been much more exciting if I  had a sister to walk with. Of course, it would be great to have an older brother too. He would protect me from bullies and anything else in life that came against me. I would feel safe at night while I slept in my bed because my brother would be in the next room, armored up and ready to protect me if a bad guy came in to harm me.

As I look back now, I remember long nights in my bed, wide awake, and creating all sorts of escape routes just in case I heard intruders breaking down the door. I had a waterbed for much of my young life and as you know there is no room for a tunnel underneath but I used to imagine that I had dug one at the side of my bed and that it went down deep into the ground so that I was hidden and safe. I’d hear the men charge into my room, I’d hear their whispered voices, and feel their disappointment when they didn’t find the little, innocent sleeping girl in her bed. I’d smile big and be so thankful.

I can remember many times waking up with such an unbearable fear that I would silently creep into my parents room which was down the longest hallway in the world, or so I thought back then.

My young self hated having a room in the very front of the house, right next to the front door. Funny, I never thought of the sliding glass door in my parents room. How frightened would I have been then?

My mom would often let me curl up beside her and I would try not to move so that my dad did not wake up. They had a waterbed as well, so any movement could be detrimental to my safety. He would immediately send me back to my room. Filled with doom and dread, I slowly trudged back to my scary bedroom. The shadows on my wall would once again come alive and all I could do was lie there drenched in sweat and scared out of my mind.

Just to emphasize my terror, let me share my parent’s laundry hamper. It was white and had a vinyl top. The lid was on hinges so it closed nicely. The sides were flimsy and could be punched out by the imprint of my body but I was so small that I could fit in there just right and if an intruder were to walk by, he would get my parents instead of me because he wouldn’t know were I was. Who would look in the laundry hamper?

My mom must have heard me, on this one particular occasion, because she woke up and as she passed, I popped out of the hamper and said:

“Here I am!”

She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was scared. She carried me back to my room, put me in the bed with words of comfort and left.

I don’t say any of this to upset my parents. I say this because it is a significant part of my life. I was scared and today, at the age of forty-five, I’m still scared. I’ve had a difficult time understanding why fear has played such a huge part in my life!

My husband and I were traveling back from California one year. We were probably in our early twenties. We were living in Minot, North Dakota and it is an awfully long drive. We were just entering Bismark (it was dark) and there was a terrible lightning storm ahead. The bolts appeared to be touching the ground and I just knew if we continued on home that lightning was going to strike our car and kill us. I’m still deathly afraid of lightning today. I will not go outside if it is present.

As I remember this moment, I begged and pleaded to my husband to stop the car, turn around, and find a hotel. He looked at me like I had lost my mind.

“We can travel the rest of the way in the morning, when the lighting has moved on.”
“Absolutely not, we are almost home!”

I can look back now and see that I was being ridiculous but I couldn’t help it. The fear of getting hit and dying was strong and it overpowered any rational thoughts that I could have come up with. I had to put my head down in my lap and close my eyes until we got through it. Nothing happened. I obviously didn’t die. We did not get struck but it was a moment of terror and a moment that I wanted to run from.

I think I was most fearful in England. We were stationed there from 1998 until 2002. We lived in a tiny village called, Feltwell. The house was two stories and it was old, cold, and dreary. My husband traveled while we were there. It wasn’t unusual for my daughter and I to live on our own for months at a time. Without fail, I would wake in the middle of the night with sheer panic of somebody walking around downstairs. I would immediately jump out of bed and listen at my doorway for footsteps. As I  stood quietly waiting for a noise, I would wake even further. That sleepy feeling lost!! We had a motion-detector at the back of the house which would periodically come on for some reason. I thought it was a man trying to find his way in. I would run to the hallway window and throw it open so that I could see what was happening below. I never saw anything. When I was satisfied that all was clear, I would quickly walk to my bedroom window and throw that open. I would just stare out into the darkness, watching and waiting.

In the wee hours of the morning, I would fall back to sleep only to be awakened by my alarm clock an hour or so later. How I functioned during the day is beyond me. I had a small child to get ready for school, volunteer responsibilities and a job. I eventually had to seek treatment for my uncontrollable fear and anxiety. I was relieved to leave England and live closer to my husband’s family. I would have people around to keep me company and keep me safe. My daughter would know her family and loneliness would be something she wouldn’t have to deal with.

Never would I have thought that this familiar fear/anxiety would occur during our family gatherings and we have quite a few. My first instinct (when the invite arrives) is to run the other way. I want to make an excuse and not go.

I’m too tired.
I’m working.
Not a great time.

Anything to get out of the fear of facing my family.

In all honesty, I’ve got a wonderful family. They are kind, loving, generous, and always available for company or in times of distress. We all love and support one another to the best of our ability. They are a blessing so why don’t I show how grateful I am for them? This makes me feel terrible!

The moment I walk into the room, fear grips me. My voice disappears and I feel like a social outcast. I don’t want to appear stupid in conversation. My education doesn’t match theirs. I’m overweight and cannot do a darn thing with my hair. Worried about what I’m going to eat, I either bring my own food or don’t eat at all. I don’t fit in. The walls draw me near and next thing I know, I’m sitting all alone. I have no idea where to even look when I’m feeling this uncomfortable. I leave my body and I see everybody engaging and I see myself, empty and lifeless.

Back to the Lord’s revelation from this morning…not only did He show me great transformation but he also pointed me to the interpretation of Matthew 5:14-16:

Can you hide a city that is sitting on top of a mountain? Its light at night can be seen for miles. If we live for Christ, we will glow like lights, showing others what Christ is like. We hide our light by (1) being quiet when we should speak, (2) going along with the crowd, (3) denying the light, (4) letting sin dim our light, (5) not explaining our light to others, or (6) ignoring the needs of others. Be a beacon of truth–don’t shut your light off from the rest of the world.

I believe the Lord is working miracles in my life and that in this new year (2018), I will be that godly light on top of a mountain. I do believe that the Lord’s light (that I will reflect) will shine for miles and that I will make a difference. I pray for this and I believe this. My voice is coming and my fear is dwindling and I praise God for this. No longer will I be that fearful child in the bed waiting for disaster. The wall flower that I’m immediately reduced to in the corner of the room. I will not be afraid to speak in conversation because what I say will be not be of me but from God. He has the power to transform and not only is He doing that in me (He will do it for you too) but He will do the same for the people that I’m connected to. I don’t have to be fearful of anything because my Heavenly Father is standing all around me, shielding me, protecting me, guiding me and loving me.

So we can say with confidence,
“The Lord is my helper,
so I will have no fear.
What can mere people do to me?”

Hebrews 13:6

It’s not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What’s important is that God makes the seed grow. The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose. And both will be rewarded for their own hard work. For we are both God’s workers. And you are God’s field. You are God’s building.

1 Corinthians 3:7-9

Let me just add the interpretation of this scripture as well:

God’s work involves many different individuals with a variety of gifts and abilities. There are no superstars in this task, only team members performing their own special roles. We can become useful members of God’s team by setting aside our desires to receive glory for what we do. Don’t seek the praise that comes from people–it is comparatively worthless. Instead, seek approval from God.

I’ve always kept my faith quiet. It wasn’t something I shared. I think I was embarrassed and afraid of what people would think of me. My confidence has always been low and when I’m engaged in conversation (on any topic) I usually feel like I’ve inserted my foot into my mouth. I can spend up to week agonizing over what I should have said instead. When I started to really confide in God and He started doing some pretty awesome stuff in my life, I told Him:

“This is between you and I. Nobody else needs to know. We have a quiet, loving relationship and it is good.”

I kept Him all to myself. My family saw that I was engrossed in my Bible and my daughter even made some comments toward my renewed faith. I did my best to read and pray every day. He made me feel good, safe and loved. My hope was strong even though my family was in the middle of a major crisis back in 2005. I was in desperate need of Him. I prayed that I would be that godly wife found in Proverbs 31:

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness.

Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her:

“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

I clung to Proverbs 14:1 as well:

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.

At this time I did attend a local church but continuously felt like something was missing. I would leave feeling disappointed and “normal.” I dreamed of a church where I left, not on my own two feet, but by the power of the Holy Spirit. I longed for Jesus in my worship and in the delivered message but it just wasn’t happening. I put no fault on the church or its pastors. This was just my own experience there and I mean no disrespect. I can look back now and see that growth did happen and for this I am thankful. Ultimately, around 2008, I did end up leaving because of personal issues.

Fast forward to 2015, my husband suggested that I return there but this time he would come with me. We attended for a few months. It was a place that we both felt comfortable. Come as you are! Again, the same old feelings were present and my eyes and ears were tuned to what it was that I was looking for in a pastor and in a church. Perhaps, this is why I missed out in worship and God’s Word!

January 2016, this church had a revival and it was exciting. New pastors with different styles of presenting the Good News. It was an awesome experience and my husband and I loved every moment. It wasn’t until Pastor Steven Furtick stepped onto the stage that the Holy Spirit jumped up and down and loudly shouted:

“Racinda…this is your Pastor!”

He absolutely blew us both away with his message, “Good Morning Midnight.” He was exactly who I looking for and when I saw the emotion on my husband’s face, my hope was instantly and completely restored! I had been thrown a lifeline and he came straight from Our Heavenly Father!

My growth at Elevation Church has been fast and direct. I just had to give back to this church and to people. I volunteered for the Care Team but they did not have an opening so I was put on the Welcome Team:

The interpretation of Matthew 28:18-20 says this:

We are to go–whether it is next door or to another country–and make disciples. It is not an option but a command to all who call Jesus “Lord.” We are not all evangelists in the formal sense, but we have all received gifts that we can use to help fulfill the great commission. As we obey, we have comfort in the knowledge that Jesus is always with us.

This spirit-filled group of people ( Online Welcome Team) made connections with new believers and to those new to Elevation via telephone, text or email. I wasn’t actually worried about the emails. I was anxious about phone-calls and prayer which are completely out of my comfort zone. As you already know, I am not a conversationalist especially when it comes to faith:

I complained to Father God:

“My relationship with You is private. We’ve already come to that understanding. I was fine with that! Why aren’t you? How in the world am I ever going to use my voice to speak of You? How can I possibly tell others what you’ve done in my life but if this is Your will, then I will move forward.”

My first telephone connection was to a woman already strong in her faith. I could hear her strength and this made me feel small and insignificant. She did nothing wrong it was my own lack of confidence and knowledge of Jesus. I didn’t realize at the time that it wasn’t what I could do, it was what He could do. I was trying to be “godly” but instead I sounded condescending and corrective. Of course, this wasn’t intentional. I just wasn’t letting go and letting God. I knew when it came time to pray, I would lose my words and only gibberish would present itself so I had a prepared prayer that I thought would suffice. It didn’t!

It was rehearsed and devoid of any emotion. I beat myself up for weeks, totally disappointed in my performance. Every time I saw this woman’s name in group chats, I felt the insignificance and failure all over again. Each prayer that I said from that point on was awkward. I persevered because I was certain that I was asked to do this. I wanted to be obedient and I just knew that goodness was on the other side.

Under the recommendation (not because they wanted to get rid of me but this thought did cross my mind several times) of my Team Leader, I transferred to the Care Team and felt great relief in this. She knew I was feeling challenged in some of my connections. No more prayerful phone-calls. It’s not that I didn’t want to do them, I just didn’t feel like I was the right person. The new believer that I was connecting with would be better off with somebody who was stronger in faith.

The Care Team, at this point, was email only. I thought for sure that I would be an asset to this position but that was not the case. I could not find the words to respond to my assigned emails. It was a struggle and I became quite frustrated and the negative self-talk took over. I left this position after a couple of months and concentrated on my volunteer opportunities with Focus on the Family.

And for several months. I was comfortable and peaceful! God, however, had other plans for me.

We started “Our Heavenly Prize,” I volunteered to co-lead my Bible Study and now I’m in the process of returning to the Welcome Team.

Jesus is giving me a voice!

Two nights ago I had a vivid dream that I truly believe came straight from my Father in Heaven:

I was in the middle of a crowd of people with a microphone in my hand. I was passionately speaking on God, marriage and commitment. When I finished, the people who were intensely listening to me, agreed and aggressively clapped their hands and I looked around and I was not scared anymore. I was confident and I was pleased.

I woke up, grabbed my phone and jotted down my dream. I knew I would forget it in the morning. Actually, I never fell back to sleep. I was blessed and I didn’t want to waste the moment. I prayed!

Let me end with this:

I’m at work (maybe eight months ago) and patiently waiting for the cook to hand over my requested meals for my residents in the dining room (I work in an assisted living community). One of my coworkers is standing next to me and she blurts out:

“You aren’t like us. You don’t fit in.”

At the time, it made me feel sad, insecure and vulnerable. I thought about it for weeks. Satan loves these opportunities, doesn’t he? He had a heyday with this one:

“You certainly don’t fit in and you know it! What’s wrong with you? They don’t like you. They pretend they do. You don’t fit in anywhere. You are a misfit!”

My answer to her was:

“I don’t fit in because I’m a only child and it was quite lonely in my house. My social skills stink and I was bullied as a kid. It’s easier to just be quiet.”

That was a totally unnecessary, feel sorry for yourself answer! 

My answer today would be:

“Yes, I am different. I am a child of God and there is much work for me to do. I have a purpose and it has been specifically gifted to me. I choose to keep my eyes on Him because this is where my peace comes from. This is where my direction and my joy come from. He died, was buried and is now seated at the right hand of the Father. I’m eternally saved and I know where I’m going. 

Now, I don’t say this to be superior because I struggle with this as well. I am not superior to anybody. We are all created equal. I would say this because I am thankful, proud and pleased of what God is doing in my life. He has worked hard and I’ve done my best to keep up with Him. 

It hasn’t been easy but I am a different person today and I pray that the Good Lord continues to transform me into what He needs me to be. I praise God everyday for His faithfulness, His love and His sacrifice. He’s done this for all of us. Not just me. I can have Him and his Goodness and so can all of you. Give him a chance and He will transform you into somebody you don’t even recognize because this person sitting here right at this moment is somebody I don’t even recognize. And it’s good to share if you do it with the right intention. We are meant to do this. It’s what He wants not what we want!

Thank you Jesus!!

 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.

Hebrews 12:1,2

I spent last night in my Bible studying Hebrews 12:1-13 which is entitled, “God’s Discipline Proves His Love.” Of course this caused me a fair amount of anxiety because I had just posted, “Fiery Lake,” yesterday. I thought I had my immediate course all figured out. He does keep me on my toes!

The interpretation to Hebrews 12:1 (NLT) says this:

Their (huge crowd of witnesses)  faithfulness is a constant encouragement to us. We do not struggle alone, and we are not the first to struggle with the problems we face. Others have run the race and won and their witness stirs us to run and win also. What an inspiring heritage we have!

This morning the Holy Spirit woke me at 4 AM. I felt as if I should get up, make my coffee, and spend time in my Bible.That was my plan anyway. I did climb out of bed but I made it as far as the kettle but then quickly (without even thinking) detoured to the dining room table. This is where my stash of chocolate was strewn about. All sorts of little gems…Milky Way, Twix, and Snickers. For the past few days, I’ve done nothing but mindlessly shovel these in. I instantly grabbed them and chucked them into the garbage. I felt somewhat sad and thought to myself:

“What if I need these later today?”

What a ridiculous thought but it is true! When has chocolate been a help? I can’t seem to recall a time that I felt saved by it’s sweet taste. Maybe the initial bite is “heaven sent” but it’s only a mirage, instant gratification.

The second part (Interpretation) of Hebrews 12:1 says this:

Long-distance runners work hard to build endurance and strength. On race day, their clothes are light-weight and their bodies lean. To run the race that God has set before us, we must also strip off the excess weight that slows us down. How can we do that?

Hebrews goes on to suggest the following:

Choose friends who are also committed to the race. Wrong friends will have values and activities that may deter you from the course. Much of your own weight may result from the crowd you run with.

Drop certain activities.

Get help for addictions that DISABLE you. If you have a secret “weight” such as pornography, gambling, or alcohol, admit your need for help and get help today.

Nowhere does it mention food! I’m thinking to myself:

“I’m not addicted to sugar? Am I? How preposterous!!”

After much thought, I realized that it is true. After an indulgence, I am disabled. This is an extra weight, not only physically and mentally but spiritually. This makes me sad for two reasons. First, I’m sad because I love sweets and moderation is pretty much impossible. Sugar is an all or nothing event!  Second, I thought from yesterday’s post that I had “food” figured out. Evidently not, because Someone faithfully woke me this morning and told me to throw it all out!

Moving on to Hebrews 12:1-4:

The Christian life involves hard work. It requires us to give up whatever ENDANGERS our relationship with God, to run with endurance, and to struggle against sin with the power of the Holy Spirit. To live effectively, we must keep our eyes on Jesus. We will stumble if we look away from Him to stare at ourselves or at the circumstances surrounding us. We should be running for Christ, not ourselves, and we must always keep Him in sight.

When we face hardship and discouragement, it is easy to lose sight of the big picture. But we’re not alone; there is help.

There is no way that I could have run any race last night. I barely made it to the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for bed! I was discouraged and I did lose sight of the big picture. I did, however, ask for help. He faithfully sat beside me and walked me through Hebrews 5. I feel   a great need to share God’s wisdom with you. It also reiterates to me the gift that I received before I turned my light out last night.

We are coming to a close! I know it’s a tremendous amount of divine information, so hang in with me. Let’s look at Hebrews 12:5-13

When God corrects you, see it as proof of His love, and ask Him what He is trying to teach you.

God is not only a disciplining parent but also a demanding coach who pushes us to our limits and requires our lives to be disciplined. Although, we may not feel strong enough to push on to victory we will be able to accomplish it as we follow Christ and draw on His strength.

This part is important and it’s His last point:

Then we can use our growing strength to help those around us who are weak and struggling.

We must not live with only our own survival in mind. Others will follow our example, and we have a responsibility to them if we are living for Christ, as we claim to be. Does your example make it easier for others to believe in and follow Christ, and to mature in Him? Or would those who follow you end up confused and misled?

If we went by my performance this past week or so, people would be wildly confused! I imagine my own confusion is showing up in my posts but that is the beauty and strength of God. We all take wrong turns. We all get involved in things that aren’t in our best interests. The Love of God is always available. And since His love is so great for us, He will continually redirect and move us to where He needs us to be. I like this! Give me the control and all hell breaks loose! It is good to give Him the control. He will never lead us astray!!

Merry Christmas and Peace be with You!!

***

I dedicate this post to M.B. for gifting me with a Life Application Study Bible back in 2006. I thank you for your faithful friendship. You are my sister in Christ and I pray the Lord blesses you beyond your wildest imagination! I love you!!

 

But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had the veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord -who is Spirit- makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image.

2 Corinthians 3:16-18

I am so mad right now! I’ve allowed Satan to creep in and steal my joy once again! Why is it that I withdraw as soon as he begins to speak self-doubt and shame into my mind? It always starts with the same issue and he doesn’t stop until I’m paralyzed. I have to say that I’m sick of his games and I need to figure out how to conquer him. I try to do this with control and distraction but this is in my own strength. I am not big enough to overpower him. I need someone with heft and might. Why don’t I ever turn to that strength? Why do I allow the rationalizations of the evil one to disturb my peace. I was doing well! Perspectives were shifting and I was moving in the right direction.

This downward spiral has been tried and true throughout my life. Satan knows my weaknesses and uses them to his advantage. He loves to tell me:

“You can’t help the way you feel. It’s okay, this will happen from time to time. You have stayed your course for a couple of months and it’s perfectly normal to have a little. It’s just a small amount! Don’t you feel low and lonely? This will help. Imagine the taste and the relief you will feel when it hits your mouth and circulates to your brain. It’s just right there. Go for it!”

I dive head first into the forbidden (and it’s forbidden because this is what the adversary can do) and immediately I shift into reverse. My familiar thought patterns that I once believed were my own (I now know that this is not entirely true) have quickly returned:

“You are being silly. This is never going to work. Who do you think you are? This new-found confidence is false. You aren’t doing the work of the Lord. You are making a fool of yourself.”

This harassment goes on and on until I just curl up and let him have his way. I’m so tired of this hateful treatment. I give up and I’m in despair.

Struggling, I reach out for some friendly, Christian guidance:

“You stepped out…this is the devil/upbringing/the ego/the gremlins/your brain (whatever you want to call it) trying to reel you back in. That’s all. It happens every time. Your brain is trying to protect you and you’re freaking out. Either go back, wallow in misery or go through it (AKA forward). It’s just an illusion trying to keep you stuck in the same rut 😉 it actually means you ARE on the right track. The opposition/fear means you’re doing something outside your comfort zone. It doesn’t mean you shrink back. That’s not the answer. The Lord already approves!! Because you did something out of a pure heart and courage and love. And because you’re you.”

I sat down to pray and read God’s Word and I realized that my sister in Christ is absolutely right!

So let me share with you Satan’s stronghold in my life. It’s food. It’s my weakness and it has been for such a long time. In prayer, the Lord showed me that food does not render me ineffective for Him. It’s what I do to myself that renders me ineffective.

A slip-up can result in a separation from Him which is deadly to our intimate relationship, my spiritual growth, and my service. I become anxious, stressed, frustrated, and depressed. I cannot hear Jesus and be a representative of the Good News under these conditions.

This life that I’ve been given isn’t about my gluttony at mealtime or the candy that I inhaled without even thinking. It’s not about Weight Watcher Points or whatever “diet” that I’m following at the time. It’s about what I am doing for God? I don’t have to stay away from the foods I enjoy. I’m not bad when I have something that I think I shouldn’t. God isn’t mad at me and lashing out.

This is PETTY and His plans are bigger!! The interpretation in Colossians 3:20-23 (NLT) says this:

Our salvation does not depend on our own discipline and rule keeping but on the power of Christ’s death and resurrection.

Do not let Satan take your blessings! Don’t let him interrupt the work that Jesus is doing in your life.

Whether we come to Him in boldness or in weakness He is there to heal, guide, love and save. It doesn’t matter who we are or where we come from. He is there and nothing can separate us from His love!!

I will use Revelation 20:10 as a reminder of God’s Victory:

Then the devil, who had deceived them, was thrown into the fiery lake of burning sulfur, joining the beast and false prophet. There they will be tormented day and night forever and ever.

Praise God!!

***

Racinda…thank you for sharing. I am so proud of your accomplishments in all you’re doing for the Lord. Allowing God to use you to bless so many people is a huge reward in Jesus’s eyes.

I too have fell into the trick of Satan by at times shutting down and putting a cement wall up between myself and society due to suffering from PTSD. It is not easy suffering from many catatrophic events in my life from young childhood to up to about four years ago.

I pray all the time asking for God to help me to trust again and to put my guard down. But here comes Satan reminding me once again that if someone tries to become a friend too fast that they must have an hidden agenda. Or a person who looks and asks a certain way must have unhealthy sexual thoughts.

For the sake of a sane mind I must stay and keep my focus on God at all times and not allow Satan to have power over my thoughts.

Everyone in the world can’t be bad. This is a continuous work in progress for me and I love that our Heavenly Father loves me so much that he speaks through others to show me how and what I need to change in my life. I am a strong woman in Christ and will continue to grow. Love you too Jesus.

Quin…thank you for opening yourself up to us! You are fearless! We are in the hands of God and we will be victorious. We have to trust and keep moving forward in His strength. I’m so proud of your accomplishments! You inspire and encourage me and I only hope I can do the same for you. God bless you friend!!

 

 

 

Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise Him again-
My Savior and my God!

Psalm 42:5,6

I sent this text Saturday morning to a friend:

“Good Morning! Completely wiped out and grouchy last night. Thankfully, the Lord woke me early and I was able to spend some much needed time with Him this morning. I am feeling lit and alive. Hallelujah!”

I did not have to work Friday so I was anticipating a great quiet time with the Lord, filled with heavenly revelations that I would faithfully post on my blog. I am His hands and feet so why would He deprive me of His goodness? I started out with Charles Stanley which I determined immediately was not my message. So I tuned out but continued to listen. I opened my devotion and felt somewhat lost in it. It wasn’t speaking to me as I would have liked. I turned to another devotion in the hopes of some “material” for Our Heavenly Prize. Empty! I rationalized that I was so urgent in my need of words because I have an important job to do. The Lord has blessed me with this vessel and I need to do worthy work!

I ended up reading my fiction book most of the day. I felt unproductive and foul.

My husband walked through the door around 5 PM and by this time I was hungry and tired. Everything was becoming incredibly annoying. He did his best to get dinner on the table as quickly as he could (yes, I’m spoiled). As I waited patiently and quietly for him to finish, I took notice of The Property Brothers on the television.

The one brother engaged to be married so he and his family were building his honeymoon home. It seemed everything was in their favor. Happiness and prosperity for all!  It wasn’t so much their homes and money it was more the confidence and the courage to get where they are now that provoked my frame of mind. One brother a contractor the other in real estate, both great careers and combined they have done well.  I imagined they started out in their living room, maybe the television was on to some HGTV program, and their ideas of their own business started to fly through the air. What discouragement and disappointment did they face? Did they make mistakes and if so how were they rectified? Where did their strength come from? Who did they “consult” with? Nobody goes through this life without feeling opposition.

“One tortilla ready, come fix your plate!” my husband urged.

Dinner was delicious as always and thankfully I was full. Maybe a little too full! I found it difficult to get out of my funk so I ended up going straight to bed.

Saturday:

My eyes slowly opened to the darkness of the early morning and like gangbusters; discouragement and frustration swooped in. All that I had been so passionate about had once again turned sour just as it did the day before. As my eyes adjusted to my surroundings, I said my silent prayer of thanks and climbed out of bed and trudged to the coffee pot. Realizing what time it was, I grumbled that I should still be sleeping but since I was already up, I might as well get going. I flipped on Charles Stanley and proceeded with my morning routine. There were residents and coworkers counting on me for help and for encouragement. I certainly wasn’t in the right frame of mind for this service.

I quickly showered and dressed so that I could spend some ample time with Jesus. I needed Him. Lately, I’ve been asking Him to sit with me as I read my Bible. I need explanation and I need wisdom. I also need to put my teachings somewhere safe within me and hope that I’m able to retrieve them when His words are needed for myself and for others.

I didn’t just ask Him for my normal requests on this particular morning but I extended it into what I was REALLY  feeling at that time:

“Lord I am miserable and I feel inadequate and I’m not sure why? All I want to do is feel your Presence and do Your work. I want to make a difference but I’m having a hard time. Tell me what it is that I’m supposed to be doing? What is it that I haven’t done? I ask in Jesus Name that you to tell me so that I can change my ways because I’m not seeing it. I know you aren’t a magical force that I can summon when I’m stuck. I can’t just sit down and expect your appearance and your answers. It makes me sad and empty when I don’t hear from you. Help me understand!”

In this moment of prayer I felt the Lord. I felt His Almighty Presence and I thanked Him.

“This is what I want from you, Racinda! Talk to me about anything and everything. Tell me what you are feeling without hiding. If you are angry or sad or happy or disappointed…tell me! I am your Father in Heaven and I love you. Devotions, messages, books, and songs are all good but they aren’t the same as prayer. Prayer is how we develop a deeper relationship.  Intimacy between you and I. Conversation that comes from your heart not your routines! This is what I want from you!”

Immediately my burdens were lifted! Praise God!!

My devotion for the day came from Charles Stanley’s book, “Everyday in His Presence.” This paragraph spoke volumes:

“The pain you feel doesn’t have to be negative; it doesn’t have to destroy you. On the contrary, it can be a bridge to a deeper relationship with the Father if you respond in the right way. So when you sense those emotions rising up, set your mind to seek Him immediately. Get on your knees in prayer, open His Word, and ask Him what He is teaching you. You will be amazed at all He shows you and how deeply He ministers to your heart.”

And yes, I was lit and alive after my time with Him. I was reassured that all the negativity that I was believing in was a bunch of hooey! What He was trying to teach me was that He is the one to seek in all that I do. He wants us to have intimacy with Him. He wants us to cry out to Him and He wants us to celebrate our victories with Him. He wants to be a part of our lives. Yes, devotions, messages, and His Word are all extremely important. They open us up and teach us but ultimately it is Him that we need to get with. It is prayer that opens us up to what God wants to do and what He is doing in our lives.

There is nothing on this earth that compares to Jesus. That feeling of connection with Him is vital. He can take the dark and turn it into light. My day completely shifted because of Him. I went to work feeling joyful and ready to serve because of what the Lord blessed me with Saturday morning. Thank you Jesus!

 

At last the wall was completed to half its height around the entire city, for the people had worked with enthusiasm.

Nehemiah 4:6

When I’m faced with opposition, it can render me immobile for hours and sometimes days. I feel worthless and pathetic. Any attempt at anything that would cause me some small amount of joy is quickly squashed out by negativity and hopelessness. My energy and zest completely wiped out by something dark and invisible. I’ve since learned that this isn’t something that just happens to me. From my time spent with Focus on the Family, mentoring, there are many faced with opposition. Some are so desperate that they self-harm and contemplate ending it all. We’ve got to reach out and find healing and restoration. I pray that God would extend His mighty hands into the lives of all people struggling with such debilitating hostilities. That he would block the fiery darts that continually pummel them into a state of nothingness. Peace be with you in Jesus Name!!

This past weekend I experienced this overwhelming feeling of discouragement and incompetence and I want to show you how God threw me His lifeline. He has one for each of us so in your moments of weakness, keep your eyes skinned!! He’s there!!

I woke Saturday morning, bound and determined, to write. I spent time with the Lord and I felt most certain that He gave me the content to compose, “Make it Count.”  It wasn’t until I sat down at my computer, that my mind began to change. I was unable! It all sounded dumb and elementary. My sentences didn’t click together like some of my earlier efforts. I couldn’t figure out what the point was. Would I even make an impact? Who was I writing this for? 

Ultimately, I walked away, angry, discouraged and fruitless. Not a terrific cocktail of emotions! I knew where this onslaught of attacks were coming from but I was not about to let the little devil  have his way. I sat back down and switched gears. I worked on my volunteer assignments in the hopes of a distraction and to my great relief my disappointment fell to the wayside. I still kept my potential blog post in the back of my mind, silently praying for clarity and understanding but nothing was brought forth. Pleased that I was able to mentor, I went back to the little progress I had made for “Our Heavenly Prize.” 

I completed my entry Saturday afternoon. I walked from my office with a smile on my face, thinking that it was good that I finally squeezed out another piece of writing. I sat at the kitchen table, while my husband made his famous homemade pizza, and read through it again searching for errors.  It sounded disjointed and forced. I changed a few words here and there and still it felt as if it were done in my own strength and this isn’t the way it is supposed to go. The Lord shares and then I share!

I beat myself up because I didn’t follow instructions. I just surged ahead without consulting Him. I need to hold back until He comes forward. I cannot put something out that isn’t of Him. I closed my computer and spent the evening watching, “The Great British Bake Off” and then went to bed.

I woke Sunday morning feeling explosive inside. I felt words bubbling to the surface and I was most certain that today was the day. I was up at 5 AM for goodness sake and this is the best time to connect with the Almighty. The beginning of the day, when everything is fresh and brand-new. Again, same struggle!

I sulked most of the day and claimed that my cold was causing a disconnect. I questioned and prayed and still nothing came. I gave up and submitted to my sleepiness in mind, body and soul. I put my pillows in just the right order for a long nap and closed my eyes. It wasn’t until I became still that the Lord appeared loud and clear.

“Your Bible Study is on the last chapter of ‘Crash the Chatterbox’ and what is the topic?”

My eyes slowly opened and I glanced up at my husband who was quietly surfing on his laptop next to me and I whispered, “Discouragement.”

The last chapter is on discouragement and isn’t this just what I’m facing right now? I ran to my office and grabbed my book and do you know that it started with how Pastor Steven was struggling with his book. He was having the same troubles that I was facing. He couldn’t write, his words sounded silly, he had doubts and he almost threw it out. I’m thankful that he didn’t because what he said in his book pushed me from my bed, to my computer and I persevered.

I felt God’s hand on me but not necessarily on what I was writing. I pressed on because sometimes we have to make the effort. We have to show Jesus, by an act of faith, that we believe and that we are taking steps in His direction. Yes, He comes to us without effort in some situations but in other times we need to move first. How easy life would be if we just asked and received! What would that do for us if he effortlessly handed us everything? He is shaping and molding us through good and bad. He is always present watching and guiding.

Get quiet before God, ask and listen. He will reach out His loving arms and show you the way. Be reassured that if your answer does not immediately come, trust Him to bring it to you when the time is right. Continue to read His Word, speak out loud to Him, pray, and do good in this world until your prayers are answered.

I finished and I felt glorious! I cranked up my Christian music and joyfully continued with my day. In the midst of a song and without warning, tears burst forth and all I could utter was “Thank you.” His presence was crushing and it was lovely. He is with us. He wants nothing more than to spend time with us. He forgives and He saves!

The interpretation of Nehemiah 4:6 (NLT) is this:

The work of rebuilding the wall progressed well because the people had set their hearts and minds on accomplishing the task. They did not lose faith or give up, but they persevered in the work. If God has called you to a task, determine to complete it, even if you face opposition or discouragement. The rewards of work well done will be worth the effort.

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness!

Thank you Pastor Steven Furtick for “Crash the Chatterbox!”

 

Don’t let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Honor Him in your youth before you grow old and say, “Life is not pleasant anymore.” Remember Him before the light of the sun, moon, and stars is dim to your old eyes, and rain clouds continually darken your sky. Remember Him before your legs– the guards of your house–start to tremble; and before your shoulders–strong men–stoop. Remember him before your teeth–your few remaining servants–stop grinding; and before your eyes–the women looking through the windows–see dimly.

Ecclesiastes 12:1-3

As a child, I would spend some of my summers in Iowa with my grandparents. On one particular visit my grandmother took me to see my great-great grandmother who was living in a nursing home due to advanced Alzheimer’s. This is what I remember:

The building was one story and a somewhat dirty, dark brown brick. I don’t remember there being anything special with the outside. No flowers or peaceful landscaping. No people milling about, just a quiet atmosphere. My grandmother took me by the hand and we entered the building. Again, no fancy decorations but an overwhelming amount of silver, people and noise. We made it to my great-great grandmother’s room and there she sat in a chair almost completely covered by a blanket with only her head showing. She didn’t say a word. She just looked without recognition. I remember her penetrating blue eyes. I could sense she was really in there but for some reason she just couldn’t get out. Like she wanted to speak but her mouth just couldn’t form the words. She was completely helpless. My heart broke for her. In that moment, I felt as if I had left my body and dived right into hers. I desperately wanted to move for her and speak for but I just couldn’t.

Few words were spoken and then we said our goodbyes and there she sat. Not sad that we were leaving. Not happy that we were there. No walking us to the door and waving…there was nothing. Just silence.

I was led by my grandmother into some sort of day room.  I don’t remember it being an especially happy area. It was a gathering of struggle, loss and vacancy. I pulled my eyes away from the glare and the shock and noticed the ladies in their red and white tops, hair pulled back reaching out in kindness towards the poor people who were having trouble walking, speaking and eating. These ladies brightened this room and the feelings that arose within me were life changing!

“This is what I want to do when I get bigger. I want to take care of these people!”

Today, I am a nursing assistant and I do take care of people just like those in my great great grandmother’s nursing home. I consider it an honor and a privilege to assist the elderly with their daily needs. My heart is full when I’m in their company. I cannot begin to tell you the amount of wisdom I have gained from each conversation that I’ve had with each of my residents. Many have said to me, “It goes by fast so enjoy it while you can!”

1 Peter 2:24,25 says:

“People are like grass;

their beauty is like a flower in the field.

The grass withers and the flower fades.

But the Word of the Lord remains forever.”

 

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it.

Psalm 139:13,14

I signed up for Weight Watchers Online for the fourth time. I’ve tried every “diet” out there but nothing has ever conquered my obsession with sugar.. My love of dessert developed at a young age and I have wonderful memories of chocolate chip cookies, brownies, Snickerdoodles and peanut butter fudge. I can think of these delightful treats now and see my mother’s beautiful, loving face as she worked diligently to stir the double-batch of mixture. She loved to bake (she still does) and I loved to eat (I still do)! There was a time that I blamed my mom for my weight issues but I’ve since been corrected. I look back on the smells in the kitchen and the taste of such goodness, fondly. I wish I could go back and actually complete a baking task. I always started out as a strong helper but I would grow tired and leave my mom to it. I wouldn’t do that now. 

This is also when I began to hide. I hid who I was and I would hide the food that I would quietly grab when my dad wasn’t looking. He would often make me put it back or throw it in the garbage. I remember one time quickly taking a bite of a cookie in the hopes he would say, “you’ve already started so you might as well finish.” Not the case…into the trash it would go.

I had a friend in high school who would sneak money from her grandmother. Loot in hand, we’d head to the nearest grocery store and stock up on chips and candy. We would hide and eat it all.

As a latch-key kid, this gave me great opportunity to come home from school and make a sandwich, with a large side of chips, and then dessert after. Nobody to tell me to stop. Just me and the food. All was well with me! Such a deceitful feeling but at that age, how was I supposed to know what I was really doing. It felt good and I felt satisfied in that moment. Funny, I still carry that behavior with me today, after all these years.

In the later years of high school, I began to feel the pressure to conform and be like all the other girls that I admired. Thin! Slim Fast here I come and from then on it escalated to the latest weight-loss trend. As the weight packed on, the guilt and the shame grew bigger and bigger. The mood swings were terrible and I felt completely out of control most days.

I picked Weight Watchers again because it is the one program that I can eat the things I enjoy and I’ve had the most success with. There was a time when I was fifty pounds heavier and Weight Watchers helped me get rid of it. I was an embarrassment to myself as well as to my daughter. She had a school acquaintance tell her that her mother is fat. I had to do something. Again, more reason to hide!

There is an Online Community called Connect. It is part of the Weight Watchers program and in it you can post pictures and video as well as posts of whatever you feel led to share. A couple of days ago, I felt the heavenly nudge to share my picture (to come out from hiding). I immediately declined and carried on with my day plagued with these negative thoughts:

“Nobody wants to look at your face! Nobody is interested in who you are! You will only bring shame and embarrassment to yourself! Nobody cares! What are you trying to prove? You’re being ridiculous!”

This morning as I was sitting in my husband’s comfortable recliner, listening to Dr. Charles Stanley and reading my Bible. That nudge reoccurred and with words!

“Share your picture and quit hiding who you are. I did not work this hard for you to continue hiding. Be proud of who you are. Be proud of the changes I’ve worked so faithfully and lovingly on. You are my child and you are a masterpiece! Stand tall and be confident for I am right here with you.”

I believe the Lord has a great purpose for me. I cannot achieve my special purpose if I continue to hide. He didn’t “knit me together in my mother’s womb” nor “make me so wonderfully complex” to remain anonymous. I believe He has a great purpose for us all. We cannot carry out His grand plan if we continue to decline His directions. He doesn’t do this to be mean and domineering. He does it because He loves us and He has good things for us in this life and in our eternal life. I escape into obscurity but I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be free to be who I’ve been designed to be.  

“You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”

Matthew 18:20,21

I have a weekly Bible Study that I attend and the women in my group are incredibly kind and lovely. We meet online and we are currently discussing a book that our church pastor wrote. Not only do we discuss the book, we discuss what God is doing in our lives. Sometimes one of us or all of us are faced with challenges but between the three of us we are able to come to the conclusion that God is always with us and that through our faith “all will be fine.” Some nights we celebrate victories and praise God for His faithfulness. It’s a gift to be surrounded by such love and support!

Currently, I’m trying my best to follow God’s instruction in creating this blog. I find it extremely difficult to get what needs to be said onto my blank computer screen. I feel blocked, opposition and a major lack of confidence. Although it feels great to write, it also feels discouraging.

One topic we touched on in our Bible Study last night was having the faith of a mustard seed. This struck me and I continued to meditate on it this morning. Where is my faith in regards to this blog? Do I have any? Is it in me or is it in Jesus?

My Bible’s interpretation of Matthew 17:17-20 (NLT) says this:

“There is great potential in even a little faith when we trust in God’s power to act. If we feel weak or powerless as Christians, we should examine our faith, making sure we are trusting God’s power, not our own ability to produce results.”

I certainly feel weak and powerless at this moment. This assignment of a blog was handed to me a week or so ago. I remember sitting in my bed, meditating on the Word of God and the fear of putting myself out there for all to read was somewhat daunting. I’m a hider. I don’t like to share. I have no experience, I’m not confident enough. What do I have to say?

All of this self-doubt and questioning is all based on myself and it should be based on God. His Word and His saving Grace! As Christians, we are not meant to keep God to ourselves. This is where I want to keep Him. Quietly in my heart. My relationship. This isn’t how God intends His relationship with us to be.

I found myself asking, “How am I to do this Lord? Tell me and I will follow!”

How many times did I repeat this and how many times did he continue to tell me?

It wasn’t until the following day that I had much relief from my fear. Again, sitting quietly with Jesus, I heard his faithful whisper:

“I have been prepping and preparing you for quite some time. All the mornings you’ve set your alarm to get up early. All those times that you’ve carried your Bible on camping trips. All those times that you’ve thanked me and praised me throughout the day. I’ve noticed and I’ve been guiding you just to get you to this very moment.

Your quiet time routine is how you are going to write this blog. The Words that I speak to you. The revelations that I give you. These will be your blog entries. You aren’t writing it. I am! I am using you to share my Word. What do you have to be fearful about? You’ve been writing blog entries for years. You just never knew it!”

So here I am, sitting before the computer with what the Lord has placed in my heart. Faith of a mustard seed, which is exactly what I have in this moment. But you know what, that is all God requires from us. And how wonderful is this gift? We don’t need to be filled with huge faith for God to work in our lives. All we have to do is say to God that we don’t understand how this is going to work but we are willing to give you a shot. Nothing else is working, I’ve tried everything, I’m going to look towards you and see what you’ve got and He will show you. He is faithful.

As I read further in my Bible (Mark 4:31,32) I came across this explanation of a mustard seed:

“It is the smallest of all seeds, but it becomes the largest of all garden plants; it grows long branches, and birds can make nests in its shade.”
Well, Lord, I’m looking your way in regards to this assignment. I have the faith of a mustard seed. Let’s see what You can do. I trust you and I love you!!

 

2 Corinthians 1:3,4

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

I am imperfect. I hide. I present myself as being perfect. That I have all that I need. That life is good. This is not who I am and I’m afraid if you really knew, you wouldn’t be interested. It’s time to come out from under my veil and share.

Perfectionism has always been my goal. In anything that I attempt to do. I want a perfect result. This never happens, so why do I seek it continuously? Is it something that I learned as child? Is it the rewards I receive when I’ve done a job well done? Why is this so important to me?

I’ve recently been told, “I wish I were you.”

If only this person knew what it was like to be me, perhaps the statement would quickly be retracted. I present myself to the public, falsely. I do not share my struggles with anybody. I only tell the happy parts of my story. I hide and pretend that life is good when in fact sometimes it stinks! I remain anonymous in forums so that I’m not found out by my friends and family. I do not want to feel shame, regret or embarrassment over the things that have happened in the past or challenges that I am currently going through. I do not want to appear weak, vulnerable or faulty. Failure is humiliating!

I do face challenges. Some of my past is still incredibly hurtful. I can think back on different situations and feel what I felt then. I don’t feel comfortable at this point baring myself to you in this moment but I do want to share that I didn’t get where I am today all by myself. I have years of time logged into my Bible, my journals, into spiritual books, and messages. I have cried a bucket-load of tears and cried out to God many times in the hopes for an immediate solution.

Today, I’m thankful that those prayers did not come true because if they did, I wouldn’t be where I am today. It is through my difficulties that I learned to rely on God. It wasn’t easy at first but as each day came and went, I began to realize that the only good feelings that I did get were from God. I love the release I feel when I open my Bible and scripture overwhelms my heart. My hope is in God and He is always with me!

To the person that wishes to be me…I didn’t mean to present myself as if I live in a bubble of happiness and good luck. I just didn’t want you to see that I do suffer with sadness and disappointments. I only wanted you to see that I’m joyful and that life is good because God is good. I want to share my blessings and loving spirit with you and with others. I do this in the hopes that it will infect those around me, especially in times of darkness. Who wants to hear about my fears, anxieties, and faults? Well, I’m here to announce that I have all of these. I also have Jesus and He is my Helper, my Comforter in times of need and with Him I can and will achieve great victory! This is His awesome offer to all of us. If we remain connected to Him, the struggles we face today will not take us down.