You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it.
I signed up for Weight Watchers Online for the fourth time. I’ve tried every “diet” out there but nothing has ever conquered my obsession with sugar.. My love of dessert developed at a young age and I have wonderful memories of chocolate chip cookies, brownies, Snickerdoodles and peanut butter fudge. I can think of these delightful treats now and see my mother’s beautiful, loving face as she worked diligently to stir the double-batch of mixture. She loved to bake (she still does) and I loved to eat (I still do)! There was a time that I blamed my mom for my weight issues but I’ve since been corrected. I look back on the smells in the kitchen and the taste of such goodness, fondly. I wish I could go back and actually complete a baking task. I always started out as a strong helper but I would grow tired and leave my mom to it. I wouldn’t do that now.
This is also when I began to hide. I hid who I was and I would hide the food that I would quietly grab when my dad wasn’t looking. He would often make me put it back or throw it in the garbage. I remember one time quickly taking a bite of a cookie in the hopes he would say, “you’ve already started so you might as well finish.” Not the case…into the trash it would go.
I had a friend in high school who would sneak money from her grandmother. Loot in hand, we’d head to the nearest grocery store and stock up on chips and candy. We would hide and eat it all.
As a latch-key kid, this gave me great opportunity to come home from school and make a sandwich, with a large side of chips, and then dessert after. Nobody to tell me to stop. Just me and the food. All was well with me! Such a deceitful feeling but at that age, how was I supposed to know what I was really doing. It felt good and I felt satisfied in that moment. Funny, I still carry that behavior with me today, after all these years.
In the later years of high school, I began to feel the pressure to conform and be like all the other girls that I admired. Thin! Slim Fast here I come and from then on it escalated to the latest weight-loss trend. As the weight packed on, the guilt and the shame grew bigger and bigger. The mood swings were terrible and I felt completely out of control most days.
I picked Weight Watchers again because it is the one program that I can eat the things I enjoy and I’ve had the most success with. There was a time when I was fifty pounds heavier and Weight Watchers helped me get rid of it. I was an embarrassment to myself as well as to my daughter. She had a school acquaintance tell her that her mother is fat. I had to do something. Again, more reason to hide!
There is an Online Community called Connect. It is part of the Weight Watchers program and in it you can post pictures and video as well as posts of whatever you feel led to share. A couple of days ago, I felt the heavenly nudge to share my picture (to come out from hiding). I immediately declined and carried on with my day plagued with these negative thoughts:
“Nobody wants to look at your face! Nobody is interested in who you are! You will only bring shame and embarrassment to yourself! Nobody cares! What are you trying to prove? You’re being ridiculous!”
This morning as I was sitting in my husband’s comfortable recliner, listening to Dr. Charles Stanley and reading my Bible. That nudge reoccurred and with words!
“Share your picture and quit hiding who you are. I did not work this hard for you to continue hiding. Be proud of who you are. Be proud of the changes I’ve worked so faithfully and lovingly on. You are my child and you are a masterpiece! Stand tall and be confident for I am right here with you.”
I believe the Lord has a great purpose for me. I cannot achieve my special purpose if I continue to hide. He didn’t “knit me together in my mother’s womb” nor “make me so wonderfully complex” to remain anonymous. I believe He has a great purpose for us all. We cannot carry out His grand plan if we continue to decline His directions. He doesn’t do this to be mean and domineering. He does it because He loves us and He has good things for us in this life and in our eternal life. I escape into obscurity but I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be free to be who I’ve been designed to be.