“…we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. And He did rescue us from mortal danger, and He will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in Him, and He will continue to rescue us.”

2 Corinthians 1:9, 10

I sat down to spend time with God and had no clue as to where I was to go. Still feeling the nag of distraction, I forced myself to sit still. I listened to Charles Stanley and didn’t feel a thing. I turned to a devotion and still an emptiness. In the silence of the room, I cast my eyes to the window and let my mind wander, praying for guidance during this time of meditation. As I gazed at the apartments across the way, I was reminded of the conversation that I had with God the previous morning while getting ready for work.

It was 5:00 AM, and I had just gotten out of the shower. I was listening to a sermon in the hopes of gaining some momentum for the day. From out of nowhere, a conversation began to form within me. I instantly recognized where it was coming from, so I tuned out the voice on my cell phone and tuned into the One that lives within me. I sensed certain words but it took thoughts, impressions and memories before I could fully understand what was being communicated to me. Often times, when I hear Him, it isn’t all words which is why I have to get still and be quiet. When we have physical conversations, we can listen and do something else at the same time. Sometimes, we don’t get the full gist of what’s being said because we are side-tracked, but we still comprehend to a certain degree. A divine conversation, for me anyway, takes complete focus and attention. Almost like looking at those funny pictures on the wall. What you see in passing is squiggles, colors, and shapes. If you stop long enough and concentrate, an image will appear. If you take your eye off of it for a split second, you’ve lost the image and you have to start all over again. I feel this is the same with hearing God. When He speaks (not audibly), I have to stop so I don’t lose Him. Here is what He said:

“Come to me for who I am, not for what I can do for you. I am a God of mercy, forgiveness, compassion, justice, love and grace. I want to share this with you. I want you to experience who I am and not what I’ve done or what I can do. I don’t want you to sit with me with an ulterior motive. I am not your project. Yes, I rescue, provide, protect, heal, comfort and save, but there is so much more that I have to offer. Come to me and wait, I will show you who I am.”

Tearing my gaze from the view of apartments outside my window, I grabbed my Bible, flipped back to the Concordance and looked up God, desiring to know who He is instead of what He’s done. I read several Scriptures similar to Deuteronomy 33:26, 27:

“There is no one like the God of Israel.
He rides across the heavens to help you,
across the skies in majestic splendor.
The eternal God is your refuge,
and His everlasting arms are under you.
He drives out the enemy before you;
He cries out, Destroy them!”

As I read, I feel the gradual lift of my human heaviness. My surroundings are no longer relevant, I’ve been enveloped in a divine quiet, and I sink into His ultimate peace. Nothing matters but this time with Him. Silenced, I close my eyes and shut down the outside world.

He brings to mind a frightening dream that I had in the wee hours of the morning. I was deathly afraid of heights but for some reason I had climbed into a tall tree. The limb that I chose to sit on was like that of a saddle on a horse. I fit perfectly in it and felt comfortable but somehow that ease disappeared, and I found myself sitting in a tire swing that was set in a fixed position. I looked down and could barely see the ground. I could tell there was green grass below but I was unable to pick out the whimsical shapes of the dandelions. I was scared and began to panic. I sucked in as much oxygen as I could and slowly blew it out. In mid pull of the second breath of fresh air, a man came over. He’s feet were firmly planted on the lawn but somehow he was looking directly into my eyes.

How can he be so tall?

He stated that he could help me. I timidly stated that I didn’t mean to climb this high. His smile was nice and His compassionate eyes were intoxicating. I couldn’t help but lean into him a little bit. The smell of his body was earthy, and I liked it. He felt safe and tangible. I released my grasp from the rope and cinched myself down the tire until I was hanging from the bottom-half. The man grabbed my legs and hoisted me onto his shoulder and set me firmly down on the ground and then I woke up!

He rescued me in my slumber just as He did in England while on vacation in 2001. Genesis 50:20 tells of His intent:

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

My husband was in the Air Force at the time, and we were stationed at RAF Mildenhall. My brother-in-law and his wife had come to visit us. They, too, had spent quite a bit of time in England and knew the area well. They planned a trip to Cornwall because they still had friends there and they loved the area. We were invited to come along so my husband and I took time off from work so that we could accompany them on their travels. The house we stayed in was right near the water. It was too cold to swim in but lovely to look at. I enjoyed the walks on the beach with my family. The weather was perfect for outdoor exercise. I had lost some weight by committing to a circuit training class three times a week back home, and I didn’t want to become lazy and gain it all back.

The man of the house was physically fit and enjoyed running. When I found this out, I asked if it would be okay if I went along with him. He was glad for the company and said that he would show me his route. We took off together the next morning, and I quickly realized that he was in much better shape than I. I felt sorry that he had to slow his pace way down just so I could keep up. He did not accompany me again to which I completely understood.

The second day of our visit, I joyfully jogged the entire route on my own. The third morning, I woke early and was full of energy. The entire house was still asleep. They had been out the night before enjoying the local pub. 

I couldn’t wait to take in the fresh air and picturesque landscape, I jumped from my bed and pulled on my blue Adidas wind pants and a yellow, long-sleeved pullover. No jacket was required! I stepped outside and looked up! There was a barely a cloud in the sky and the sun was shining brightly!

I headed up the steep hill, stretching my legs with long strides. When I reached the top, I began a slow jog. About fifteen minutes into it, I realized that my body was not up for that sort of movement so I walked and enjoyed the view instead. The hedgerows were majestic! Taller than what I was accustomed to in Feltwell, which is the little village we lived in. I couldn’t see anything but the road ahead.

I didn’t put my headphones on because I wanted to take in the sounds of nature. The birds were singing a joyful tune, leaves were rustling slightly in the breeze and my footsteps quietly tapped the road beneath me. I didn’t carry a cellphone at this time because there wasn’t a need for one and if I were to scream for help, it would have gone unnoticed. Cars were few and far between. I was in my own world except for the jeep that was slowly cruising towards me. I had ample time to observe its appearance. It was old and two toned. The hood and doors were dirty white, and the body was a military green. It was creepy which is why my eyes quickly shifted to inspect the passengers. There were two men in the front seat, middle-aged and extremely bushy looking. Long brown hair, beards were full and their gaze was penetrating. I remember thinking to myself that they looked like trouble. I was thankful they were going the other way.

I continued to walk realizing that my senses were on high alert; my instincts had kicked in as if I were expecting their return at any moment. I’m not sure how much further I traveled but felt relief to see a break in the hedgerow. My panic was overwhelming, and I felt trapped, the gap would be a relief. To my horror, there sat the jeep with the two men inside. My knees went weak, my heart sped up and I felt cornered. I kept on walking, pretending that their presence didn’t bother me, but I knew that my tough exterior was no match for the strength of those two burly men.

I heard the jeep creep out of the field that it had been sitting in. My ears were in full tune to the movement of their tires. I didn’t need to look back to see where they were; I already knew! They slowly pulled onto the road, and I could hear the rocks they rolled over as they got closer. I looked ahead with a vacant stare and saw no escape and no help. I had been ambushed and in realizing this I quietly said to myself:

“This is it. It’s all over!”

I could have reached behind me and touched the rusted bumper of their vehicle, that’s how close they were. I felt the heat from their engine and the heavy fumes were gagging. With my breath held, I waited for the passenger door to swiftly open, imagining their rough hands as they forced me to the floor of their filthy automobile. Just when I thought my life was doomed, an enormous, brown car appeared from out of nowhere. The jeep pulled around me and sped off. I turned and ran in the opposite direction, my legs barely able to carry me. I came to another break in the hedgerow, on the opposite side of the road, and dove in.

As I remained still and quiet in my safe haven, I heard a vehicle approaching in the distance. I closed my eyes in the hopes I would disappear from this unimaginable nightmare and envisioned a frightened rabbit seeking refuge from a carnivorous predator. Miraculously, the engine noise vanished, and I leaped from my shelter and high-tailed it back to my family. I believe that evil was intended but Jesus made another way! He saved me that day! And, just as His Word promises in Hebrews 13:5, 6

“I will never fail you.
I will never abandon you.”
So we can say with confidence,
The Lord is my helper,
so I will have no fear.
What can mere people do to me?”

 

But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.”

Luke 9:62

As I was heading to my chair for prayer and meditation one morning, I found myself, loudly declaring:

“I need to hear from you Jesus!”

His response:

“Then sit still and don’t get distracted as you’ve done the past several mornings. What did you do instead of sitting quietly with me? You opened your computer and became engrossed in your writing. Your priorities are in the wrong order.”

God has a sense of humor, and I couldn’t help but giggle as I sat and reflected on His words. He’s absolutely right!

Two weeks ago, I signed up for training on how to become a better writer. My mindset as I started out on this new endeavor was that of confidence. My focus was completely set on God and what it was that I could do for Him and people through writing.  The idea of perfecting my God-given ability was exciting, and His direction to enroll was unmistakable. Filled with anticipation, I couldn’t wait to share with my peers what I had learned, spiritually, thus far. I was more than ready to improve and felt blessed to be under the tutelage of other women who had already excelled in their own styles.

The Lord had faithfully prepared me for their constructive critiques and I had every intention of taking notes so that I could apply their wisdom to my own work. I am disheartened to say that his hasn’t been the case. I went into this writer’s workshop with certain expectations and immediately found myself to be inaccurate.  

Writing is writing, right? Sit down in front of the computer, wait for God’s input, form a few thoughts and away I go! No, it’s not that simple. While watching instructional videos on the craft of writing, I suddenly realized that in order to gain an audience, there are skills and techniques that should be considered. In all honesty, I don’t pay much attention to design, punctuation, grammar, flow, sentence structure or imagery. The words I write come directly from my time in quiet with Jesus. He gives me the revelations, and I put them to paper, thinking of nothing else. The mechanics in writing were not a concern until now.

After surfing around on this writing website, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m ignorant to the ways of an effective writer. My punctuation stinks, not a design to be had, imagery is non-existent, and sentence structure is dull. How demoralized can one be after hearing all of this? My self-confidence and peace has been obliterated and my desire to carry on has left me?

I am now distracted by thoughts of inferiority. I’ve forgotten why I pursued this ambition in the first place. Instead of thanking God for His divine opportunities, I find myself looking at the polished material that has been submitted by my peers. I can’t help but to compare. I’ve sat with God on the topic of comparison, and He spoke to me on the danger of doing this. Well, here I am, dubious, because I took my eyes off of Him.

Matthew 6:33 encourages this:

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”

I wrote this in my journal on May 14, 2018:

“Don’t allow disappointment to take root within you. Don’t allow people and their actions to distract you from God. He will give you everything that you need. Sure, you feel discouraged and unworthy but remember, this isn’t how God looks at you. It’s not about what others are doing or writing; it’s what you take away from it. You’ve been given a godly resource to learn and grow in something that you enjoy doing. Take hold of it and utilize it to your full advantage, asking God to help you understand the material and carry it out as He sees fit.”

Yes, I’ve had a couple weeks of discomfiture but on the upside, Jesus has remained faithful by showing me where I had gone wrong.

Matthew 6:33 is explained this way:

“To seek the Kingdom of God above all else means to put God first in your life, to fill your thoughts with His desires, to take His character for your pattern, and to serve and obey Him in everything. What is important to you? People, objects, goals and other desires all compete for priority. Any of these can quickly become most important to you if you don’t actively choose to give God first place in every area of your life.”

I love this question!  What is most important to me? My answer is my relationship with Christ, and I’ve said this on numerous occasions but feel the need to say it again:

“There is no greater feeling than sitting with our Lord and Savior each day. He is the one that loves, strengthens, corrects, equips and saves. Without Him, we would just be lifeless human beings walking this earth until our bodies quit. With Him, we have life and purpose! We all need Jesus! Unfortunately, it’s the distractions that keep us from Him.

I was completely overwhelmed with anxious thoughts and the fear of old, destructive behaviors returning. My control was nowhere to be found. I quickly found a quiet spot and sat down, head in my hands. I didn’t have the will or the words to pray. I just sat and it was in the stillness that I found myhope.

I whispered:

“I’m just sitting here with you, Jesus.”

I remained in this position for about ten minutes and as each second passed, I felt relief.

It wasn’t a complete feeling, but the hint was there and I was going with it because that was so much better than sadness. Jesus is my Source of Strength  and Exodus 14:13 confirms this:

“Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today.”

In times of emotional upset, whether it be with God, your spouse, family members, friends, or coworkers, get quiet. Reflect on what you have. Look at your distractions and move them out of the way. They aren’t put there by God. They are put there to sow the seeds of disappointment, doubt, loss, regret, grief, hopelessness and despair. All with the ultimate goal of keeping us from our one true love and this is Jesus!

I thank you, Lord, for your promise! You brought me out of the dark once again, and you showed me that I am perfectly designed. I have a gift to write! It may not be the same as another and that’s okay! Thank you for this ministry which supports and educates women to learn and grow in writing. I pray that each one of us is blessed by your divine revelations and that you equip us to glorify you in words of strength and power, that we would move people in such a way that they can’t help but call out to you! I pray this in your Holy Name, Jesus Christ, Amen.

“Put me on trial Lord, and cross examine me. Test my motives and my heart.”
Psalm 26:2

What are my motives when I sit before God each morning? This is a question that He impressed upon my heart while camping last weekend. Am I in line with Him or are my intentions selfish? I can honestly say that I look forward to my time alone with God and when I fall asleep each night, I think about what He will bring the next time we meet. I am excited to sit before Him, praying, talking and reading Scripture. I expectantly look for Him. I crave to hear what He has to say and if I don’t sense the shift into His presence, I’m incredibly disappointed. I am fully aware of what disconnection feels like and when I’m not plugged in, I get distraught and I will call out and ask:

“Where are you?”

My husband and I took the trailer to Monk’s Corner, SC and spent three lovely days in nature but as we were heading out for our weekend get-away, I gazed at my desk and chair and said out loud:

“I will miss you!”

It’s not that I would miss my desk and chair, it is the time I spend and Who I encounter when I’m sitting there. This is where I meet with God each morning. I know that when I sit down, my environment is prepped and prepared for our intimate conversations. I am immediately open and ready to receive His love, wisdom, guidance, forgiveness, and strength.

It is in this spot that he whispered the name of this divine piece of work (blog). He had put the vision into my head long ago but i just didn’t give Him the time to reveal His thoughts, ideas and motives. I tried to formulate a post or two but failed miserably. Although, as soon as my fingers touched the keyboard, and I heard the tapping of each letter, I couldn’t help but to be filled with excitement as my sentences began to fill the screen. I filed away my rough drafts in the hopes that I would be able to use them one day!

I spent my days dreaming up names for my God-given project and everything that I came up with, was not available. I would send my husband looking for the domain only to be disheartened when I saw that it was taken. On the morning of November 11, 2017, I found myself reading Philippians 3:13,14:

“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on the one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”

As soon as I read that Scripture, the Lord whispered:

“Here it is! This will be the name.”

I jumped up from my chair and ran to my husband who was working in the other room:

“I’ve got the name!! Jesus just told me to call it “Our Heavenly Prize.”

I could feel it in my spirit that this would be mine! My husband’s facial expression was that of interest so we looked up the domain right away and sure enough, there it was for the taking. I know that this divine platform is designed just for me. All I had to do was tune in, listen and obey. If I do these three things to the best of my ability, I will and you will be blessed! So what are my motives?

God does speak! It isn’t a human voice that you would hear with your ears. It’s an inward, distinct, bold intonation that only you can understand. The more you tune yourself to Him, the easier it is to discern whether the dialogue is from God or you. Invest your time with Him each day. You will miss out on what He has for you if you push Him to the side. I’m guilty and I’m learning. There is nothing that compares to His presence. When I’m invited to leave this chair and go with Him each morning it is a wonderful, life-changing experience and I never want to go back. There have been mornings where I sit in the still and plead with Him:

“Let me be with You all day long! This is where I’m meant to be. Help me to stay here.”

I guard and relish the moments when it is just He and I. I turn off all interruptions because I don’t want anything to upset the peace I feel when I’m in His presence. There’s not a soul around to tell me that I’m doing things wrong or that I’m just being silly–no judgement whatsoever. He is my Father, my friend and companion, my Helper and my Savior. I look for Him each morning and I want what He has to give. Is this greed?

I’ve been asked on a couple of occasions what do I do when I say:

“I’m heading into prayer.”

I don’t mind this question at all because it is my deepest desire for everyone to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ! Just this morning my friend ask this very same question. To which I responded via text this way:

“It depends on Him. I usually start with Charles Stanley. His messages are about twenty minutes long and I feel they prepare me to meet with God. I either sit quietly, pray, talk to Him like I talk to you, read devotions, write in my journal or read the Bible. This morning I prayed and then felt led to work on a blog post. It is just time with God without distractions doing what He leads me to do. Listening for His guidance and direction.”

Her response:

“Perfect, then I will do this too. Thank you for being an example.”

I missed the shift yesterday morning! I was in deep thought on a blog post that I had read earlier on mental illness. The writer’s words moved me in a direction that I didn’t want to go. The description was incredibly powerful that I found myself right there with them. I couldn’t shake the emotion that erupted within me. So, needless to say, I was a bit lost in my time with Jesus, unable to focus and pretty much gave up. It wasn’t until the afternoon, as I sat outside in the sunshine, that He whispered:

“What are your motives in your time with Me?”

This isn’t the first time that He’s brought this to my attention. Charles Stanley wrote about “The Importance of Motive,” on May 8, 2018 and this passage sent my mind and heart reeling:

“Think about the last conflict you faced, or maybe the one you’re experiencing right now. Are God’s honor and your spiritual growth the focus of your desires? If not, then you are at odds with what He is trying to accomplish in your life. But if His will is more important to you than your own agenda, you can be certain that He will use the battle for your good and His glory.”

“At odds,” is certainly right in the case of my last post. I wrote this in my journal on May 9, 2018:

“Sitting in prayer this morning contemplating a post that I worked on several days ago, “This is Me.” First draft went rather smoothly but the editing process was a battle. I kept changing words and sentences. I felt doubt and the flow was disjointed. Why the struggle? Is it written in my own strength? I don’t want this? Is it because I’ve signed up for some training in writing and comparison is starting to rear its ugly head? As I sit outside the camper watching the squirrels eat the pecans that I throw at them, I wonder what my motives are? Am I interested in God’s Will or am I interested in self and success?”

Rewards and praise are wonderful. We all need that sort of encouragement but is it something that I’m looking out for? Is this why I spend time with God? If recognition doesn’t come, how do I react? Who deserves the glory? Certainly not me!

Further along in my journal I go on to say:

“Your posts are not always going to just come pouring out. Where would you be if there was a constant flow? What would you have learned and grown from? If I were not sitting here struggling with this current post (This is Me), I would not have stopped to ask God His thoughts. I would not have learned to check my motives. I would not have learned and been reminded that what I write isn’t only for me. It is for people. I, fortunately and thankfully, am blessed in the process.

The interpretation from Proverbs 16:3 says this:

“There are different ways to fail to commit whatever we do to the Lord. Some people commit their work superficially. They say the project is being done for the Lord, but in reality they are doing it for themselves. Others give God temporary control of their interest only to take control back the moment things stop going the way they expected. Others commit a task fully to the Lord but put forth no effort themselves and then they wonder why they didn’t succeed. We must maintain a delicate balance; trusting God as if everything depended on Him, while working as if everything depended on us.”

Have I committed “Our Heavenly Prize” to God and how does one do that? Is it a statement? Is it in my thought-life? My motives? I want this blog to be for Him and from Him. I wait on Him and His revelations that He shares with me before I submit any writing. I want to be sure He’s the author and not myself. It’s no good if it comes from me. People don’t want to hear from me. What hope and promise can I give them? Nothing! I can, however, have the right motives, commit what I write to Him and share what He does in and through me.

1 Thessalonians 2:6-8 says this:

“When we witness for Christ, our focus should not be on the impression we make. As true ministers of Christ, we should point to Him, not ourselves.”

And the Lord is so faithful and compassionate in our weak moments. He has surrounded me with an amazing amount of encouragement. With each vote of confidence, I quietly say to myself:

“I’m not seeking this Lord but I do thank you that you’ve supplied me with it.”

He knows what we need and He isn’t stingy. If He knows that our hearts are in the right place, He will shower us with blessing upon blessing. My heart is in the right place. I pray that I’m able to draw people to Him with words. I desire to help and inspire others to start asking questions of  Almighty God. I share Scripture because this is God and I pray that when it’s read, that the Lord will act and pull each person closer because I can assure you, once you get a taste of who God is, you will come back for more. You may start with just reading a Scripture but His Words will cling within you and they will grow and you will want more. Next thing you know, you are devoting an hour of your time and you won’t let anyone take it from you. He is a lovely addiction!

So as I write this, I can say that I am in the Will of God. My struggles are just God’s way of saying:

“Sit back and listen to what I have for you. I am your Teacher and I want you to do this my way.”

When it flows right on out, it’s just God saying:

“You’ve got this right where I want it to be.”

This blog is my platform to speak in the Name of Jesus and what I’ve written is meant to touch each one of you. Your Father knows right where you are and He’s coming for you! Hallelujah!!  

And now that I’ve got my motives straight, Praise God, let’s press forward to Our Heavenly Prize.

 

“Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
For my hope is in Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
My fortress where I will not be shaken.
My victory and honor come from God alone.
He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in Him at all times.
Pour out your heart to Him,
For God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:5-8

I find it extremely difficult to be this open and honest about my life. I have always been a private person because of shame, guilt, and lack of confidence. As I slowly begin to unravel who I really am, I can’t help but wonder if I will be looked at as an unhappy Christian and will this detract from who God really is? Is my transparency God’s plan?

How many Christians are faced with similar circumstances and how do they remain in obedience and in God’s Will? My desire is to hide and if it were my choice, I would take this blog down and keep things to myself due to the fact that I’m uncomfortable, weak and vulnerable. I have set it on private on a couple of occasions but who is this serving? Nobody and apparently God has another idea because He keeps pushing me to open up and right now this is the platform. It’s better for me to pretend that I’m normal but who or what is normal?

Throughout the course of each day, I look around and take notice of my Christian brothers and sisters that are going about their tasks as if all is fine in their life. Is it? They joke, reach out and communicate which makes me feel uneasy and nervous of what God is doing in my life. Immediately, I’m overtaken by the fear of them finding “Our Heavenly Prize” and discovering that this spirit-filled individual who stands before them is actually a wild mess inside.Thankfully Ephesians 2:10 tells me otherwise:

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago”

Life is, indeed, a struggle and we all are faced with trials. Not one of us is free from the enemy and all the fiery darts that he constantly throws at us and I know this because of my volunteer hours with several different ministries. The biggest crisis seems to be mental illness–anxiety, depression, addiction, and fear. All tools of the devil. I recently read something incredibly hopeful from the profile of John (NLT):

“God can use you in a way He can use no one else.”

Personally, I haven’t heard many leaders in ministry talk about mental illness in God’s children.  Christians are not free from opposition, in most cases, it’s worse. The devil is looking to switch our focus and he will do what he can to make that happen. Everyone is Satan’s target! The only difference between an unbeliever and a believer is that we stand under the strength of Jesus to help get us through. Unbelievers rely on what they see, experience and their own strength. I’m most certain that Jesus is showing and instructing me to let it all out because it isn’t something that happens often enough. There are people out there that need to hear that Christians are not perfect. I’m wondering if this is what people see and is it because we hide our true, conflicted, traumatized inner selves? We want to be doing well but sometimes this just isn’t the case. Are we taught to cover it all up so that we appear to be normal? What does this do for anybody that struggles mentally?

I don’t want people to know that I’m a depressed, fearful and anxious Christian because this is not what God intends for us, right? We are to reflect His light and love in the hopes that we move people in His direction. We are to be whole and filled with joy, compassion, and kindness but I have to say that there are days that I have a hard time expressing those glorious traits of God. Learning to live the Christian life isn’t easy for me nor does it come quickly. I make mistakes, suffer trials and loss and I question God as to why? Storms have the potential to create a deeper intimacy with God, as long as He is our focus and not our circumstances. This is the molding and shaping of Jesus so that we can be the people that He designed us to be–to carry out the purpose that He placed within us. We aren’t here for ourselves and when we live for ourselves, there will always be an emptiness.

Romans 8:18 says this:

“Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to fill His space with something else. It never works. We can fight and struggle to put something else there but it will never fit because it was designed for Him from the beginning.

In my time with the Lord, He gave me a vision:

I saw Gerry (my dog) running through the forest, off his leash. And this is true! My husband and I were camping outside of Columbia, SC. The campground we were in was filled with many trees and in the middle of this partial forest there was a hiking trail. We walked it and decided on the way back to collect some firewood. The terrain was hilly and cluttered with rocks, sticks and stumps. It was difficult to keep my footing, especially when Gerry felt like exploring. I let him go free which is not something that I normally do. I am afraid that he will run off and never to be seen again. He looked at me as if he were saying:

“What is happening here? Why are you disconnecting me?”

He seemed to be a little confused in what he was supposed to do next.

Stay or run?

He ran! He sprinted every which way imaginable but always within sight. It was entertaining to watch him. I kept a close eye on him as I made my way through the forest, stooping to gather firewood. I could see and hear him but when he got to a range that made me uncomfortable, I would call his name and he would come leaping back.

My understanding is this:

No matter how strong the temptation is, I will never be able to shut down all that God has done in my life. I cannot let go, I will not let go, even if I’m put in the position of sharing things that I would rather keep private. I have the freedom to choose what it is that I want to do with my life but I can never leave His sight. I can run from one point to another and He is there listening and watching. He will call me back if I’ve gone too far and I will listen because I know His voice.

John 10:27,28 promises this:

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.”

I am filled with peace, patience, kindness, love, joy, gentleness, and self-control because I have Jesus. Without Jesus, I am anxious, depressed, fearful and closed in. Life is sad and bad things happen to good people. It isn’t because He isn’t faithful it’s because He has a plan that we don’t understand. It’s because we aren’t here to serve ourselves. We are here to do His work and sometimes that requires sad and hurtful circumstances. I don’t believe the Lord would impress upon me to share my story if it weren’t in His plan for me. As He peels back the layers of defense that I’ve built up over the years, I will hold on to Romans 8:38:

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Heavenly Father,

I’m so thankful that you brought this post to fruition–that you’ve given me an understanding as to why privacy is not an option and that I will be okay. I fully trust what you have in store for me and I know that what you’ve given me to write will encourage others. This is my deepest desire, Lord, to be a help and if I have to humble myself to lift another, so be it. I am honored and privileged to serve you and people. This is what I pray for. Forgive me for dragging my feet and only thinking of myself. I want to make a difference in a big way! Thank you for blessing my perseverance. I felt much opposition in getting this post up and it’s only because there will be some awesome results. The devil doesn’t want to see us succeed. With you, there is always victory! You are good! I give you all the praise and the glory and it’s in Jesus’ Name I pray, Amen.

“It’s going to be a great day! Blessings all around!”

On April 24, 2018, I sent the above message to Connect, which is part of the Weight Watcher’s App. It’s a wonderful place to give and receive support. The crowd is diverse and each person has their own set of goals. There is much emotion shared and we become family because we experience many of the same challenges.

I was feeling good upon waking and it carried on through till the afternoon. I spent the morning with my mother-in-law. We took a walk in the beautiful sunshine. All was well until the phone chimed later in the day. It was a representative from a large ministry. I had high hopes of volunteering with them. I had prayed about it for several days and as I was waiting on the Lord’s direction, I lined up my references–I needed three. I felt most certain that I would qualify and I couldn’t wait to get going.

On April 21, 2018, I spoke to a close friend about serving in this ministry. I actually told her that I didn’t think that it was the right fit for me because it’s within my comfort zone. Most of the serving that I do is on the Internet. I went on to say that I firmly believed that there is a powerful gift of speech within me but oppression has kept it hidden away. I have always been terrified of public speaking and this includes social gatherings of more than one. I don’t know what happens? I just can’t find my words. I want to talk and join in but I’m self-conscious and my lack of self-confidence just holds me back. I’m blank and desperate!

I’m trying to think of when it all started. In the second grade, my teacher informed my parents that I was a “social butterfly!” I remember being quite loud and obnoxious all throughout elementary school and on into the seventh grade. I was actually a wee bit too social and often got reprimanded for it. My English teacher called me out one day and said that if you want to continue talking you can come to the front of the class and give the lesson. Not afraid one bit, I stood up and proceeded to the front of the class and spoke without hesitation.

It was after that (not due to the teaching incident, I’m sure) that my personality began to change. I was more aware of myself and I don’t believe I liked who I was. As each grade passed, the social anxiety grew. I admit, I used alcohol to liven myself up and I abused it up until I was married and pregnant with my daughter. I immediately stopped as soon as I found out that I was going to be a mother.

Without the use of alcohol, I became mute! Yes, I could carry on as if all was normal but underneath the facade there was a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety bubbling up within me. By the time I arrived home, I was a stressed out mess and my only source of comfort and peace were in sweets. 

With all of this being said, I just know that God has work for me to do and this will include using my voice which scares the heck out of me. God doesn’t tell us to do something without us being prepped and prepared. If this is the case, I need to seek out opportunities to get social and use my God-given voice.

On April 23, 2018, I was meditating on this and listening for ways that i could start using my voice in that very moment. The thought came that instead of posting on Connect, do a video instead. Each evening I post so I’m accountable for my actions during that day. It keeps me honest, I guess! Anyway, my heart suddenly begins to race at just the thought of putting of a video. Nobody was home, it was just God and I. I picked up my phone and put it to record and there I was in the screen. I started to critique my appearance, my facial expressions, my eyebrows, and my slouch.

“Just push record and talk about something random”

I could not do it and as I type this and think of that very same thing, the nerves start in. My daughter is a whiz on her phone. She does all sorts of video type stuff and it doesn’t bother her one bit. Why such a block on me?

I remember when video cameras came out when I was a kid. My dad bought one and he used to go around filming family stuff. I can’t think of anything off the top of my head but it was just every day events. I remember seeing myself on the television and hating what I saw. The extra weight, the wonky colored teeth due to the dental work I had received in the fourth grade, stringy hair, bad choice of clothes–you name it, I came up with it.

I guess I don’t really like what I do see on video nor in the mirror. I don’t like to look in the mirror and avoid it at all costs. I stand before it in the morning to apply make-up but after that, I’m finished. I would rather not know because the more I see myself, the more I can’t tolerate what’s looking back at me. Selfies, forget it. I try to take them periodically but my goodness, scary!

Has all of this negative self-talk stifled my ability to speak? I don’t know? How wonderful it would be to share God’s Word, vocally. Sharing it written is great but to speak it would be a completely different level. To engage in conversation that is of God, encouraging and sharing the Gospel, to hear and see the lifting of one’s spirit would be sensational. To actually bring someone before God due to what I’ve said, through the direction of the Holy Spirit, would be the ultimate gift.

In saying all of this, the big ministry that broke my heart, was not the way to go. Yes, I was denied because I did not belong to a local church. I did not have a six month pastoral reference. I don’t believe that Pastor Stanley nor Pastor Furtick would be available to speak on my behalf. The representative said that I would not be able to point people to church because I didn’t attend one. I don’t believe this for one second. Yes, I was upset and I cried. I felt rejected and singled out. I felt pitied. I was mad but after I sat and talked and sometimes raised my voice to God, I realized that when God closes a door, He opens a better one.

I prayed, before receiving the phone call, that the Lord would close the door if this is not in His Will. I felt that I was rationalizing this position. Deep down I knew that this wasn’t for me but I just wanted to keep going. My upset turned to praise because the Lord had answered my prayer. The praise wasn’t as joyful as I would have liked but I did praise and thank Him for showing up. I certainly didn’t deserve His answered prayer nor His presence! Decision made, no big ministry for me! I would keep going as I was and wait patiently for God’s movement.

I also realized in that moment that God showed up in a huge way that I would have missed if I hadn’t been looking at Him. He showed me the freedom that He so graciously gave me in regards to the bondage that has enslaved for years. I am thankful to say that the entire three days of upset and discouragement, I had not one desire to reach for the Hershey’s Kisses. There is a Costco sized bag in the pantry and on any other given day, I would have raced in there and fed my emotions. Not the case this time. The Lord showed up and gave me evidence that I was indeed free of slavery.  Last night he showed me this interpretation of John 8:32:

“Sin has a way of enslaving us, controlling us, dominating us, and dictating our actions. Jesus can free you from this slavery that keeps you from becoming the person God created you to be. If sin is restraining, mastering, or enslaving you, Jesus can break its power over your life.”

And He did just that! The only way I can explain this mighty miracle is that He has lifted me above my sadness by continuing to show me His light. Sadness is not unusual for me. I suffer with it every couple of months. From out of nowhere, it hits me and I’m left with little or no energy. I can’t seem to find joy anywhere even when spending time with God. My perspective is my circumstances whatever they may be in that given moment. I don’t allow God to fully come in because I am distracted by my own depression. Struggling with why it happened, how can I fight it, what will pull me out, and then I resort to sweets which is defeating in itself. On April 25, 2018, I wrote this on Connect:

“Day 11 of 45 days without cookies, cake or chocolate. Doing well thus far! I managed a bike ride today and a lengthy walk with the dog. The past several days have been tough emotionally. I find it quite strange and foreign to sit in a sad state and not eat out of comfort. What did I do instead? I went outside for exercise, read Scripture, finished some volunteer responsibilities and took a nap. It was refreshing to just be sad without feeling guilt, shame, bloat, and fatigue which is what usually happens when I hit a low because I gorge on sugar! Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but there it is!! I hope all of you were blessed today!! Sweet dreams!!”

And that is my feeling in a nutshell! Sitting in sadness, which I’ve done since childhood, and not feeling the mental and physical anguish of too much sugar.

Yes, I was discouraged for three days. I was upset not only with the ministry decision but I felt pointless and aimless in my current serving opportunities. I wasn’t making the difference that I wanted to be making. There was no pay back in what I was doing. I wasn’t looking for money but instead for praise and encouragement. This is no way to serve as the Lord told me this morning.

April 26, 2018

I woke this morning, wondering if today would be a better day. My husband asked me how I felt and I couldn’t honestly tell him. I was waiting on some sort of nod from God. I spoke to Him silently and proceeded to get up. I grabbed a Bible that I don’t often read anymore. It’s the “Life Principles Daily Bible,” from Charles Stanley. I decided to flip through the Life Principles and see if any of them hit me:

“God Blesses So That We Might Bless Others!”

Here we go, this is just what I’ve been struggling with. Before digging in, I reached out to God because without Him nothing would make sense!

“Lord, thank you for being my Almighty Father and thank you that you are my Source of Strength. Thank you that I was able to get out of bed this morning and walk without assistance and without pain. Thank you for my health. Lord, open my ears, mind, body, heart, soul and spirit. I need understanding and direction. I need to hear from You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen”

The entire devotion spoke to me and this is what I took away from it.

“Life Principles Daily Bible:”

“Jesus preached, taught, healed and performed miracles in order to help others, never to call attention to Himself. He poured out His very life so that others might be saved, never thinking for a moment to save Himself.”

Journal entry:

“What is my motivation in serving? I do it because I enjoy reaching out to people but there is also the element of praise. I like to receive praise and recognition after I’ve done something “good” and maybe there is a bit of that in my motivation. Yes, I know there is. Do I seek out service where I know recognition will be the reward? Recognition keeps me going. When I don’t receive it or the result isn’t what I would like, do I step away? Do I continue on–striving to receive it? When I feel justified and validated, I’m able to carry on. Is this how Jesus served?

“Life Principles Daily Bible:”

“When we allow His Holy Spirit to work in us and through us to others, we become vessels of His love in action. We reflect His compassion, love, and mercy to others. And in so doing, we are His witnesses, we bring credit, honor, and glory to Him.”

I have the Holy Spirit living in me. I have the capabilities to share and show the love of Jesus. It’s only because of the Holy Spirit that I’m able to do this. I need to reach out because I can show God’s love in action. I can be the vessel of God’s love to all people and feel good that I’m acting according to God’s Will and leave it at that.

My encouragement and praise comes from knowing that I’m sharing and showing the love of Jesus. I will never know all of the people I reach or what it has done in their life and it isn’t for me to know. I am acting in the power and the strength of the Holy Spirit. I’m here on this earth to glorify God not myself. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it weren’t for God. I am eternally saved because of what Jesus did on the cross. I would just die and go nowhere but the ground.

It is all about God! I am just a servant placed here because God put me here. I’m here to represent and reflect His love and nothing else.

My journal continues further with this:

“Look to the people not yourself. Don’t withhold God’s love because it doesn’t fit your schedule or you are fearful and anxious of the situation. Don’t look for recognition! It doesn’t matter if you get nothing in return. If you see or feel the need or God tells you to go–do it! This life is not about you–Glorify God!

“Life Principles Daily Bible:”

“God has called you to serve others just as Jesus served others. He didn’t save you or call you to service so that you might be exalted, praised, glorified or put on a pedestal. He saved you so that you might serve others, and in so doing bring praise and honor to God’s holy name. He blesses you so that you might bless others.”

I have to shift into God’s gear instead of my own. How do I put God’s love in action or better yet, I need to go right to the Source! Ask Him to help and show you how to put His love in action. The decisions that I make in life–do I make them to glorify me or Jesus? Think about it before jumping full-speed ahead.

“Life Principles Daily Bible:”

“The nature of the ministry task or calling is not the important thing; what is important is the motivation behind our service. God loved us so that we might love others. That’s what the Christian life is all about.”

Lord, show me where the need is and through your strength and direction, let me carry out that need to your specifications and in your will so I can bring glory to you; so that I can point people to you. I want to put your love and compassion into action.

It is truly an honor and a privilege to be used by God. We have the opportunity to show up on His behalf. We can show and act in love and compassion because that is who our Father in heaven is. What a wonderful gift!

***

Thank you to the “Life Principles Daily Bible,” by Charles Stanley
Biblical Principles for Each Day of the Year

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keep your eyes on Me, not only for direction but also for empowerment. I never lead you to do something without equipping you for the task. That is why it’s so important to seek My will in everything you do.

Sarah Young, “Jesus Calling”

The last post was entitled, “Sugar” and in it I was disappointed and low in mood because of its hold on me. I felt helpless and trapped. I questioned God and His direction for me. I rationalized consuming and eliminating the poison that rendered me ineffective for Christ and people. I cried out for His loud, clear and direct words because I couldn’t seem to figure it out on my own or perhaps I had already figured it out but needed His distinct voice to set me straight. I didn’t want to give it up but yet I wanted to be free. What a tangled mess I was in!

Romans 7:18-20 perfectly explains my dilemma:

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong, it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life–that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature, I am a slave to sin.

On April 8, 2018, I heard a message by Dr. Charles Stanley called, “Which Direction.” In it he talks about how to move your faith forward. He says that faith is the disposition of your mind.  Here is what I wrote in my journal that morning:

“How can I move forward in faith? I need to evaluate my prayers! Am I doubtful? Am I confident? Do I believe that what I pray for will actually happen? Why am I still stuck in food? Speak to my heart God!”  

Dr. Stanley also says that we need to “anticipate” our answered prayer. A vital part of our faith is looking forward to it. We can look into the future and see the prayer answered. Here is another journal entry:

“What does my life look like without the stronghold of food? What does my life look like walking in freedom–the things I could do for God and people. What or who is my focus? What is my reason? I want to be an effective, mature Christian. I want to be filled abundantly with the fruits of the Spirit. I want to be wise and connected to my Source. I want to be helpful and encouraging. I want light–a clear path and discernment. I want what God has for me. I see a release of chains. I see freedom. I see light. I see God. I hear God. I see me walking, better yet, running towards God and away from the pile of twisted chains on the floor behind me. Just as I was on the verge of loss and defeat, I am suddenly confident and assured that I am truly free.”

Shortly after this awesome revelation in regards to my prayer life, Jesus blessed me with a vision. He showed me the difference between “light” and “dark.” He brought up moments in my life that I could categorize as light and dark. I sat with my eyes closed reliving the painful and happy memories of my life thus far. I felt the heaviness in my heart, the clouds over my head, and the lack of hope. I also felt a peace, brightness, love, energy for life, and clarity. With eyes still closed, I looked to the left and I felt darkness. I looked to the right and I felt light. I will use this to my advantage, a tool straight from God, to free me from sugar. I have a mental image and a heartfelt feeling that I can safely climb into. When confused over direction, I will close my eyes and allow God to guide me.

He didn’t stop equipping me for freedom right there. He knew that it would take more to set me straight. He knows each of us so well and he’s tailor-made each of our paths. His love for us is fierce and all we need to do is grab on and surrender to His will.

On April 9, 2018, the Lord directed me to Joel Osteen’s daily devotional which is not one that I faithfully follow. No offense and no disrespect intended but this particular morning, the opening Scripture jumped at me. It was from Galatians 6: 7,8:

“Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith.

“Today’s Word with Joel and Victoria” said this:

“Whether you realize it or not, everything you are experiencing in your life today is a direct result of the seeds you’ve sown in your past. Today, you are planting seeds for the harvest in your future.”

The devotion goes on to say:

“…we have to be deliberate about the seeds we are sowing. We have to wake up every day and set our minds on God’s Word and then choose to speak His truth over our lives. We have to constantly evaluate our actions to make sure we are depositing good seeds so we can reap a good harvest in the future.”

In reading this, I found myself asking:

“Are you sowing good seed or bad seed? Are you “eating” good seed or bad seed?”

What a revelation! A perfect heavenly perspective! Instant faith increase, Praise God!!

My journal entry on this day:

“I will walk in freedom because God has put a calling on me! I cannot be effective when I’m held in bondage. He will free me. There will be no obsession in counting calories or in the numbers on the scale. He wants me free so I will be free. This is His promise and He never breaks a promise. I believe and I receive.”

My prayers changed after this. I had faith that my chains had fallen off! That God had already made a way. I was beginning to see and feel the answered prayer which truly was and still is a wonderful gift.

Look for the evidence of what you’ve requested in prayer. Each bit that is revealed will give you an increase in faith. It will boost you to keep moving forward.

At this point I had placed my life completely in God’s hands. He had prepared me for what was to come next. I wasn’t going to doubt nor take control. I put my complete trust and faith into the freedom that He has given me.

On the morning of  April 15, 2018, I received my loud, clear and direct word.

“CUT IT OUT!”

There was no mistaking where it came from. I was barely awake and from out of nowhere came very specific instructions from Almighty God. My mind and heart had no room to rationalize. It was exactly what I had requested. He had prepped and prepared me for this day. I had all I needed to obey.

I turned on the television message by Charles Stanley called, “Noah–Blameless Servant of God and this is some of what I took away from it:

“If God tells me to “cut it out,” God is responsible in fulfilling His promise to me and He will protect me in the process. I will never reach the goal that has been designed just for me and the reason is because of doubt–not believing what God says. He is not responsible for answering my questions. My one responsibility is to obey and trust. He will provide answers when ready. There isn’t a need that He doesn’t supply. He will take care of everything.”

Hebrews 12:1-3 encourages this:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Now He is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.”

God is faithful and He has carried me to DAY NINE, without temptation or struggle! I am truly free!

I urge you to take at least ten minutes out of your day to talk with God. He will make a difference in your life. He never disappoints and He always brings victory. I pray for every person out there, in the Name of Jesus, that you have awesome oneness with God!

Blessings!!

***

This post is dedicated to M.H, M.T and J.J. God bless you for your encouragement because without it, this would not have been written. Your words moved me to make a decision to write and Jesus came along beside me and gave me the words. I thank you! I love you!! And all glory and praise be to God!!

It has been awhile since I last posted but to be quite honest with you, I am continuing to struggle in one area of my life and I’ve become blocked. The big question that I have been contemplating for the past few weeks is this:

What does it mean to surrender all to God and how do I do it? Is it cruising through life in the hopes that the Lord will take me under His wing and control all that life throws at me, without me having to lift a finger? Is it sitting in prayer and meditation each morning for as long as I feel the need and then calling it quits when I am finished? Reading my Bible, in search of Scripture that tells me it’s okay to “sin” because Jesus has saved me and all is well? Volunteering to pray with others as they face crisis while I’m sitting on the other side with a crisis of my own?

Don’t get me wrong! I love the Lord and I love people. I do treasure and guard the time I spend with Him. I honestly don’t know where I would be if I didn’t turn to Him. I need that connection each day and I want to be better for Him. I deeply desire to make a difference in His Kingdom by sharing the Gospel, encouraging others and telling my story of what He’s done through me. I enjoy all that I do for Him in the name of love! There is absolutely no other place I’d rather be than sitting quietly with Him. There is one teeny tiny distraction and it seems to get me every single time…Sugar!

I am driven by sugar! It determines my outlook on life and some days this makes me extremely upset and other days I’m not bothered. Today, I’m bothered!

I have been reading a book called, “Truly Free” by Pastor Robert Morris. I started it soon after my Prayer 101 class which ended on March 15th. I experienced a great deal of spiritual growth through the eight weeks of this class. I grew bold and courageous in prayer with others, I met wonderful people, my leader was a perfect example of who I would like to be. He did not push his thoughts and opinions on us nor did he tell us exactly how to pray or what to say. He put down the foundation and he allowed the Holy Spirit to take over. I have thought much about him because I strive to be that mature in faith!

It was shortly after this that disconnection began. I felt lost, didn’t know what to do next, prayed about the prayer team at church, felt the need to start a crisis course through the Billy Graham website, had a car accident, then my daughter had a car accident and then her best friend had a car accident. Thank God, nobody was injured! There was much upheaval in my life and where did I turn? Jesus for sure but ahead of Him was the sugar.

I was reminded of Scripture from Matthew 6:24:

No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

And in my case, you cannot serve both God and sugar! I am about to undergo a complete clean-out because John 2:14-16 spoke loud and clear:

In the temple area he (Jesus) saw merchants selling cattle, sheep, and doves for sacrifices; he also saw dealers at tables exchanging foreign money. Jesus made a whip from some ropes and chased them all out of the Temple. He drove out the sheep and cattle, scattered the money changers’ coins over the floor, and turned over their tables. Then, going over to the people who sold doves, he told them, “Get these things out of here. Stop turning my Father’s house into a marketplace!”

Let me just follow that Scripture up with 1 Corinthians 6:19,20

Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

There is a three-ring circus going on in my temple! Emotions, thoughts and actions are all over the place. Simply out of control and making excuses every day! I have been doing this for most of my life which I wrote about in “Wonderfully Made,” so I will try not to repeat myself. The first part of that post states:

I signed up for Weight Watchers Online for the fourth time.

Well, now I can say that I’ve signed up for Weight Watchers Online for the fifth time!

This sounds incredibly silly to me at the moment but yet devastating!! I’m truly addicted to sugar. I cannot for the life of me get it under control. I go a day or two without it and you’d think that it’s been years. My mood drops, I have no energy, and I feel like I’m in prison. The other day I told myself that God doesn’t want me to live this way. I’m supposed to be free to worship and serve Him. I feel like I’m stuck in darkness. If only I can have just one chocolate. This will make me feel better. Aren’t I supposed to be sitting quietly and praying to God instead of heading towards the pantry not once but twice for a handful of chocolates? This is serious business!

Romans 12:1-2

And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice–the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

I commend the people that have been freed from their addictions. I just don’t understand why I struggle and why I can’t stop? I know God is a mighty warrior and I know that He can do anything. Believe me, I’ve prayed for an instant release but for some reason it hasn’t happened. I’m not mad at Him. I’m just confused. What is it that needs to be done? What am I missing? I surrender (or so I think I’m surrendering) and it’s an all out war in the kitchen.  

I was serving on the Prayer and Crisis Referral Network last night and I had a prayer request for a healthy lifestyle. This person wanted to quit smoking, eat healthy and lose weight. That could have been me calling in, minus the smoking. Thankfully, I was prayed up before I started my prayer shift because if it would have been in my own strength, the prayer would have been defeating and a disaster because this is my own personal experience!

Am I to pray to God for release from this addiction and do nothing or am I to pray this request as well as doing something? If I were addicted to alcohol, I would need to stop drinking. If I were addicted to drugs, I would have to stop using drugs. If I were addicted to pornography, I would have to stop watching. I’m addicted to sugar, so I need to stop consuming it. Does this make sense or am I making things up? Am I mixed up? Am I rationalizing? Am I listening to God?

According to 1 Peter 5:8, I need to be sober and vigilant, which gives me the idea that I need to take some sort of action. Would you say this is true?

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

Hebrews 12:14, 16 say this:

Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Make sure that no one is immoral or godless like Esau, who traded his birthright as the firstborn son for a single meal.

Work is a verb which is an action word. It doesn’t say, sit back and let Jesus take care of it all. I think if He were going to do that, He would have done that a long time ago.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Do I need a direct word from God? Do I need to hear Him clearly shout at me and demand my obedience and if I don’t follow through, punishment is to follow?

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Yes, I’m extremely weak and I do need God’s grace and mercy! I need self-control and I know that I cannot do it on my own. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I do have faith and trust that God is going nowhere. That He will walk beside me and we will get through this together.

Thanks for reading and please pray for me!

Wishing all of you abundant blessings!

Do not be afraid of terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
Just open your eyes
and see how the wicked are punished.
If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
no evil will conquer you;
No plague will come near your home.
For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
You will trample upon lions and cobras;
You will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet! 

Psalm 91:5-13

March 1, 2018

Tonight, the topic in Prayer 101 class is on Spiritual Warfare which is something that I don’t really understand nor do I study it in my quiet time. I told my leader that when I feel opposition, I run to Jesus. Case in point, when my husband is away on business, I get afraid at night while trying to fall asleep. In the distant past, I would become so fearful that I would open the window in my bedroom and watch the road in front of our house as well as the front door. My anxiety level would be through the roof. Since recommitting my life to Christ, I combat my fear of the dark with prayer. It works every single time!

I chewed on this lesson for several days but felt that I was missing something so I emailed my leader on March 4th. I would like to share it with you because it sums up what I experienced in that class:
Hello,

I have been meditating and praying over last class. I know nothing when it comes to spiritual warfare. I choose this because it just adds to my fear and anxiety. If I can just rely on Jesus then He will fight my battles for me.

Something happened on Thursday and I don’t really understand it. I’m wondering if you can help me out?

As I was describing my fear of being alone (at night) to my prayer-mates, you stepped over and when I had finished you asked me when did it begin? I motioned with my hand, without even thinking, towards my knee. You said something along the lines of:

When a young child is left alone, the spirit of fear can get in.

When you stood behind me (during the command prayer) I felt safe and protected. There was a calm and a peace which I’ve never really felt before among another human being. I’ve always kind of felt like I was my own protector. I limit my outside activity due to the safety that I feel in my own home. I do believe that fear has held me back from many different opportunities. I do not want this to hinder what God has in store for me. I want to serve, through Him, to the best of my abilities. I want to do what I’ve been designed to do.

You asked, after I was prayed over, if I felt anything? I told you that what was said in prayer about “God being with me all along”, stuck out. It was a loud statement in my mind but I wasn’t sure why and throughout the prayer, I continued to hear it.  

As you walked away, I felt my legs waving, almost like I was floating on the ocean. They were kind of rubbery. It was a strange feeling! Not anything I’ve ever felt before. I didn’t say anything to my prayer-mates because I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

As I was leaving the church, the Holy Spirit brought to mind an incident that happened when I was four years old. I remember bits and pieces:

A teenage girl in my neighborhood put me in a child’s seat on the back of her bike. We rode to a park. I remember it was dusk and I couldn’t find the girl. I can hear my little self saying:

How am I going to get home. I’ve got to get myself home.

I remember sliding down a dirt hill that was scattered with small, tall trees. Next memory is me bursting through the front door declaring, “I’m home!”

My mom looked at me, perplexed and asked what had happened? I don’t remember my explanation but I do remember her taking some sort of brush to clean the dirt from my clothes.

At this same age, I remember waking in the middle of the night because I heard the front door shut. I jumped out of my bed and peeked through the curtain. I saw our car drive down the road. I was home alone. I was scared and didn’t know what to do so I jumped back in bed, covered myself up, and I don’t remember what happened next.

As I walked to my car, after prayer class, I heard the Holy Spirit say to me:

I was with you all along. If I was with you then, I am with you now. I brought you safely home to your parents so why wouldn’t I take care of you now?

My husband has been away and he left on Tuesday morning. I prayed the Lord’s prayer Tuesday and Wednesday night because I was scared. I have not had to recite the Lord’s Prayer since. My husband is still away.

I do not want to focus on this spirit of fear. I do not want to give any recognition, time or energy to this awful opposition. I tried to study a little bit on it yesterday but kept getting interrupted by thoughts. I was completely unfocused which is very unusual. I normally have an intimate quiet time with the Lord each morning.

I do, however, want to understand what this is all about. I need a final answer so that I can move on. I trust you because of how I felt when you stood behind me. Please help me find a resolution or an understanding to this because I don’t want to think of it anymore. I want my quiet time back with Jesus without further disruption.

I know you are a busy man so when you can, I would love to hear your thoughts.

God Bless,

Racinda

In response, my prayer leader sent a teaching that was prepared by Pastor Michael Morris, called FEAR!  I read through it and reflected on it while at work and in the evenings before bed. There was much to consider!

March 7, 2018

I am home today from work and I’m ready to get to the bottom of this “spirit of fear.” I have been pondering and praying on it since we had our class last Thursday.

I started my morning off with Charles Stanley, read a devotion and a chapter in the Book of John. I felt a disconnection and I was getting frustrated. I did not want another quiet time filled with disruption due to my inability to focus. I was not going to leave this desk until I found resolution in this! I bowed my head:

Lord–I thank you that you are my Provider, my Helper and my Savior and I am calling on you now! I am lost and I need a resolution. I need understanding so that I can move forward in my spiritual growth. Sit with me and fill me with knowledge and peace. I need to be connected to you. I need to feel you and I need to hear you. My days are incomplete without you. Forgive me of my sins, my disobedience to you. Let me have a clear path to You without disruptions!! I ask all of this in the Name of Jesus’…Amen

His answer was immediate! My attention was drawn to the lesson by Pastor Michael Morris. I was focused and ready to receive what the Lord had for me. Before I could dig too deep into this material, the Holy Spirit brought up a dream that I had months ago:

Somebody I loved was in an airplane and there was some distress with the engine. It was quickly dropping in altitude. From out of nowhere, came this gigantic, majestic angel and he caught the plane in the palm of his hand. The plane was a mere toy in the tight grasp of this heavenly being. His feet were standing firmly on the ground but yet he was tall enough to pluck the plane right out of the sky. The wings on his back were as big as the ocean and as white as newly fallen snow. Soft, like the feathers I used to pick out of my parent’s pillows!

I remember waking from this dream feeling like I had a divine safety net!

Not finished yet, the Holy Spirit reminded me of how I felt when my prayer leader was standing behind me while the spirit of fear was commanded out! I felt a safe presence.

On March 5, 2018, I wrote this in my journal:

I know my leader isn’t God but I do believe that the Holy Spirit used my leader as an example to show me trust, peace, protection and security as it was intended to be. Not marred by human hands, ideas or thoughts.

Nothing else mattered in that moment but the words–I was with you all along and what that presence behind me represented. It was as if God, Himself, were back there covering me. I was transported to another realm. I wanted to fall backwards, with eyes still shut and float in the peace and the safety of the Lord. My surroundings were blocked out, the noise of the room had disappeared and it was just God and I. I surrendering and Him fighting for me. Going before me. Standing on all sides of me. Safe and sealed in His blood of protection. I can be in this moment any time, in fear and in celebrations. He never changes from one day to the next. I can count on Him always to be there. I can trust and know that He will never betray, leave or forget me. It was lovely.

Psalm 91:14-16 says this:

The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”

Glory be to God for showing me in a long ago memory, a dream, and a prayer moment just how faithful and loving He is. He fights for us daily. He protects us from evil and He saves. We will rest with him eternally. We have nothing to fear when we have God on our side. I am incredibly thankful for this teaching. I just never knew where this fear came from. I accepted it as part of my nature. I learned to live with it and work around it.

Psalm 91:1-4:

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Heavenly Father–I thank you for sitting with me and showing me how truly safe I am with you! I no longer fear but rest in the fact that you are my refuge, my place of safety. Forgive me for my lack of trust in you. I press forward in the calling you have for me, not in fear, but in joy, peace, love, security, boldness and courage! And when I fail to move forward, I will remember the childhood memory, the dream, and the presence behind me (all around me). Thank you for resolution as well as understanding. You are so good!! In Jesus’ Name…Amen!

***

Thank you Pastor Michael Morris for your teaching on Fear!

Thank you Prayer 101 for faithfully delivering God’s message!!

“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins, Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us. The night is coming, and then no one can work. But while I am here in the world, I am the light of the world.”

John 9:3

February 26, 2018

This morning, the Lord gave me clear instruction in regards to a matter that I’ve been diligently praying and fasting for.  As I look back, He’s been giving me cues for quite some time, but I’ve been rationalizing and ignoring. Why? I guess because it is outside my comfort zone. I feel embarrassed or it causes me great anxiety. I should have learned my lesson (refer to my post “Disobedience” for a better understanding) due to what transpired just the other day.

I didn’t think about any of this until the opportunity to act had passed! This is when the Lord tapped on my shoulder and said:

Did I waste my time?
How do you expect this prayer to be answered if you don’t listen and act?
Listen!
Hear!
Act!
How difficult is this?
You are delaying my work. You are destroying the progress that I’ve made thus far.
Stop rationalizing!

Sometimes, it does takes several fails before wisdom can penetrate my hard head. I sat up in bed and reflected on what had just happened, asking myself, why in the world didn’t you just act? It took a split second to rationalize His direction. Amazing how quick the brain works or was it really my brain that did that? Was there something else (unseen) in the room?

With a hot cup of coffee in hand and my quiet time resources before me, I bowed my head in prayer:

Lord…thank you for this day! Thank you that I was able to get out of bed without pain. Thank you that I’m healthy and that I’m able to sit before you and feel your presence and hear your words. You are my Source, my Strength, my Savior and I wouldn’t be where I am now without you! Thank you!! I ask that you overwhelm me with your presence this morning. I ask that you speak to me and teach me all that I need to know for this day. I ask that I understand it and retain it–for myself and for others. I thank you for your sacrifice, for your blood. I am covered and sealed and saved! Please forgive my sins, my disobedience, my desire to go my own way! I give you all the praise and the glory! In Jesus’ Name I pray, Amen!

I clicked on Dr. Charles Stanley because his messages always move me towards a heavenly perspective which paves the way for what God has to say to me. I become spiritually tuned in and I’m able to tune out my thoughts and the circumstances that surround me. In this moment, I’m drowning in my recent disobedience. Will my perspective ever change from narrow and selfish to wide and far-reaching?

Will my answer ever be, “Yes, Lord,” instead of “Hang on a minute–You want me to do what?”

Dr. Stanley spoke on the consequences of sin which was a perfect topic for this morning! One of the Scriptures he pointed out came from Galatians 6:7 (ESV):

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.

If this didn’t give me a jolt, I don’t know what would! As the message came to a close the Lord impressed upon me that I should study, “rationalization” in the Bible. My routine is to grab my devotional and meditate on the given Scriptures. This was not what He had in mind, this morning! I listened!!

My research started with this interpretation from Genesis 39:9:

…Joseph resisted this temptation by saying it would be a sin against God. Joseph didn’t say, “I’d be hurting you,” or “I’d be sinning against Potiphar,” or “I’d be sinning against myself.” Under pressure, such excuses are easily rationalized away…it is an act of disobedience against God.

Now, I’m not in the same situation as Joseph, in regards to Potiphar’s wife, but I can certainly apply my sin to this interpretation. God asks me to do something and I immediately take in the command and let my emotions determine my actions. Instead, I need to realize that not moving towards His request is a sin which is a huge no-no! Consequences will then follow.

February 26, 2018 journal entry:

When Jesus speaks and directs me, it has nothing to do with the here and now at that point. Immediately, do as He says so His work can continue. Let’s look at this morning. I knew what I was supposed to do. I ignored Him which stopped a blessing. I have no idea what was on the other side of that command and I won’t know because the moment is over. I have no right to take away a blessing because I feel uncomfortable.

I understand that God doesn’t need me to work in the lives of others. He can certainly do all He needs to do, without me. I am, however, a vessel and I know this (in regards to my personal prayer request) because I’ve asked for it. I asked Him to use me. He has been doing that and in some circumstances, I’ve been rebelling.

I find it interesting that Ezra 10:1 wasn’t in the Master Index under “rationalization” but the Lord led me there anyway. This is the interpretation:

Ezra set the standard of repentance by his own behavior. His weeping brought others to the point of sorrow. Some may respond when we tell them what to do, but more will follow if we show them what to do and participate ourselves. In this case, Ezra’s actions actually motivated a leader to make a significant stand. We can never predict who will follow or benefit from our example.

I can share all I want but telling is not the same thing as doing which is what I should have realized this morning. It is my actions that will make the difference! There will be no movement if I don’t act upon God’s instructions. There will be no answer to my prayer if I stand-by. I need to be up front and on the double!!

Ezekiel 9:10 says this:

The people said that the Lord had abandoned the land and wouldn’t see their sin. People have many convenient explanations to make it easier to sin. “It doesn’t matter,” “Everybody is doing it,” or “Nobody will ever know.” Do you find yourself making excuses for sin? Rationalizing sin makes it easier to commit, but rationalization does not convince God or cancel punishment.

I was unable to complete this post due to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. There was more spiritual wisdom to come so I put it to the side and waited until I was given the go-ahead to finish.

Today is February 28, 2018

I believe the Lord has given me an ending to this post! Hallelujah! Terrific message by Dr. Charles Stanley this morning called, “Made for the Mountains.” If you need a bit of inspiration and a spiritual boost, I suggest you look this one up! I also found great wisdom in his devotion, “Every Day in His Presence.” The resources that God puts before us is always perfect and right on time!

Here is a passage from today’s daily devotion:

Your unbelief tears you apart. It may feel natural and reasonable because you see no evidence of relief for your situation. But the thoughts that arise because of your doubts will wear you out, discourage you, cause you to act rashly, and limit you from perceiving God’s perfect work on your behalf.

This morning’s journal entry:

Just think where you would be today if you had not pushed forth with the Online Welcome Team with Elevation. You were so scared, filled with doubt and not a lick of confidence–especially with phone calls and prayer to new guests of the church.

You kept going because you heard God’s instructions to persevere. You had faith and trust that there was a great purpose on the other side. Then you were told that there was an opening with the Online Care Team which is email only. This was in your comfort zone! It became clear, quite quickly, that you were NOT going in the right direction. It was rough! You found it difficult to respond with the appropriate, comforting, encouraging words. There was not really any peace in this new volunteer position. The connections were different from the Welcome Team. 

Recognize and feel the difference between God’s way and your own way. There is a force, a clarity, a distinctive word that comes from God. It’s firm and stands out. It comes in a feeling or in a statement. It’s VERY there!

When it come from me, it is weak and in the background. There is little confidence and it’s wavering. 

Now that I’m able to discern–Praise God–I need to act and get rid of rationalization. I now have a better understanding when the Holy Spirit is speaking to me. I need to respond by saying:

Thank you Lord for your heavenly direction. I know that this is for your glory and I’m pleased to serve you.

Than just do it!!

For those times of questioning (because they will come, I’m sure) on whether it is the Holy Spirit or myself speaking, I can reflect and pray on the following interpretation from 2 Corinthians 10:5:

Spirit-empowered believers must capture every thought and yield it to Christ. When exposed to ideas or opportunities that might lead to wrong desires you have a choice. You can recognize the danger and turn away, or you can allow unhealthy thoughts to take you captive. You capture your fantasies and desires when you honestly admit them to the Lord and ask him to redirect your thinking. Ask God to give you the spirit of discernment to keep your thoughts focused on his truth.

We all have a tendency to get wrapped up in what’s happening around us. We lose our focus and become overwhelmed and without peace.

The Holy Spirit asked me this morning to write down my priorities to which I did! I had three of them, God being first!

Journal Entry:

Guard your time and your energy in order to bring these “walls down” and ask yourself will this opportunity, this decision, this action, this word get in the way of my priorities? If so, turn the other way and seek God’s discernment and redirection. If not, then run full speed ahead because 2 Timothy 7 says this:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.

***

Thank you Jesus–my Savior, my Strength, my Source and my Light! You have truly done some amazing work in my life and I can’t wait to see what comes next!
Thank you Pastor Steven Furtick for Elevation and all its opportunities!
In regards to Elevation’s Online Care Team: please know that this is a truly wonderful ministry. The leaders and the people involved are kind, friendly, encouraging and extremely strong in prayer. It just wasn’t where I was supposed to be.
Thank you Jonathan Josephs ( Elevation’s, Ballantyne Campus Pastor) for your divine and inspirational message, “Paying Attention.”
Last, but not least, thank you Dr. Charles Stanley for being the man of God that you are! My mornings are not complete without you!!

 

 

This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: “Take your burnt offerings and your other sacrifices and eat them yourselves! When I led your ancestors out of Egypt, it was not burnt offerings and sacrifices I wanted from them. This is what I told them: ‘Obey me, and I will be your God, and you will be my people. Do everything as I say, and all will be well!’ But my people would not listen to me. They kept doing whatever they wanted, following stubborn desires of their evil hearts. They went backward instead of forward.

Jeremiah 7:21-24

I confess my sin of disobedience to Jesus and to all of you! I ask for forgiveness! The Lord spoke and I didn’t follow through. I rationalized and I ignored His direction which led to disconnection (my own doing) and lack in all areas of my life. I had minimal peace throughout the day and my sleep was interrupted and fitful. I felt perplexed and confused. I was distracted and my focus was on things that were not of God–completely fruitless! I wasn’t exactly sure what had happened to bring this turmoil and disruption into my life. I now know that I was the one that brought the mess and I know this because I actually sat down and spent ample time with God this morning, asking and reflecting on the past couple of weeks.

Interpretation of Jeremiah 7:21-24

God had set up a system of sacrifices to encourage the people to joyfully obey him. He required the people to make these sacrifices, not because the sacrifices themselves pleased him, but because they caused the people to recognize their sin and refocus on living for God. They faithfully made the sacrifices but forgot the reason they were offering them, and thus they disobeyed God. Jeremiah reminded the people that unless they were prepared to obey God in all areas of life, acting out religious rituals was meaningless.

Let me just take you back to day where it all started. It was one simple command on February 12th, 2018:

As my eyes adjusted to the wee morning hours, I thought of one of my friends, a Christian brother. This particular friend has been a mentor and a prayer warrior for me for many years. If I have any questions in regards to faith, I can always ask this friend.

I said prayers for him and got out of bed before my alarm clock went off. I have to say, it is always a joy to wake up before the chimes go! I did my normal routine of getting myself ready for the day and sat down at my desk to spend time with God.

Journal entry:

I’m feeling scared because you’ve been speaking loud and clear. I do understand and I’m fearful of your requests and I’m sorry. You’re calling me to step out and this is frightening! Will I follow You? Just yesterday I heard your directions to pray for a Christian sister. I refused at first but You wouldn’t let up so I dropped what I was doing and I did as I was told. It caused me great anxiety but when it was over, I felt peace and joy all at the same time.  Now, I hear you again:

You need to pray (out loud) with your brother in Christ. A prayer of blessing and of thanks for his faithfulness and all that he has done in regards to your spiritual growth.

This is something I’ve never done. He has always prayed for me and now it was my turn to pray for him. I heard and I started rationalizing because I was petrified. My mind was going a hundred miles an hour. Here are some of my thoughts:

In the past, whenever you’ve needed to talk to your friend about religious topics, you’ve asked Me to put him before you first thing in the morning. Meaning, if he was one of the first people that you encountered in your day, you would then speak to him about what was on your mind and didn’t I essentially just put him first and foremost in your mind due to the fact that you awoke thinking about him?

Would it be wrong of me to request the same thing? If I see him first, then I know that I need to pray for him or do I trust and have faith in what God has told me during our time together this morning? I knew that I was supposed to trust and have faith that I heard correctly but this was uncomfortable. I knew which route I would take!

I was an absolute nervous wreck. I was looking every which way and I said prayers in my head just in case he was put before me. I was practicing so that when the time approached, I would be ready.

I just need to seek him out! When I find him, do I launch into what the Lord’s asked me to do? Do I make conversation until I get the nerve up? Maybe, since he is a mature Christian, he will already know why I’m there. How will I reach my hand to his shoulder? Will I be able to keep my eyes open as my prayer leader suggests? I feel it is somewhat invasive. I am peering in at a person who is silently agreeing with me in prayer. We are having an intimate moment with Christ and eyes open just doesn’t seem natural.

I’d reached my limit and could not take the conversations in my head any longer.

That’s it, I’m done!

Lord–If you want me to pray for my Christian brother, then I will wait upon you to present the opportunity. This is the only way I can find peace because I’m obviously not mature enough to hear you and leap. I am still in need of Your confirmation. I don’t know if this is good or bad. I do know that you will shower me with your mercy and grace and that eventually I will be able to act without proof.

I was relieved and I carried on with the rest of my morning, waiting for that perfect moment!

I had disconnected as soon as I said, “I’m done!” That perfect opportunity that I thought I was waiting on, never came! The request that was given to me, first thing this morning, was never fulfilled. I disobeyed and there would be consequences.

Dr. Charles Stanley says this:

Sin against God and there are inescapable consequences!

I didn’t realize this at the time. I didn’t believe I was sinning when I rationalized and turned away. Disobedience is a sin and I disobeyed.

I have to tell you, that later that day, I did have an opportunity to pray for another friend. I could see in her face that she was laden with distress. I asked her if she was okay and she proceeded to tell me all that has been happening in her life. I listened intently, offering words of encouragement and comfort. My heart ached for her because I was familiar with some of her sorrow. I could feel her pain.

I stood to my feet and have her a hug. We held on tightly to one another and she bared all her trapped emotions. I could not help but grab her hands and say to her:

I would love to pray for you. Would that be okay?

Her response:

Please!

I did! I held tightly to both her hands. We bowed our heads and pressed our foreheads together. That connection, with God at the center, was divine! I prayed with confidence and boldness! Then it was over and I was grateful that I was there. The moment had presented itself to me. I didn’t have to look for it. God brought her to me. There wasn’t fear. I wasn’t shy. I just felt in my heart the despair of this lovely woman and I acted and it felt natural. There was no work involved. It was easy because I had no idea she would be put before me.

So, even though I didn’t fully comply with God’s direction this morning, I did end up praying for someone. I thought all was well and I had escaped!

In a nutshell, I experienced a void in my relationship with Christ, I suffered from panic attacks, felt low in energy, lost my confidence and questioned all that I was doing as a Christian. It actually got so bad that I put this blog on privacy because I became afraid of what I was sharing, worried because of what others may think of me. I was fearful that I was actually losing my mind!

I can look back now and see that the Lord was with me the entire way! He never left my side and He reminded me that I wasn’t alone. Please do not get the impression that He turned from me and left. I turned from Him and I left but because He loves me so much, He stayed and He corrected! He does this for all His children!!

When I realized what it was that I had done, I confessed and I asked for forgiveness.

Obedience Versus Sacrifices from NLT, page 1835:

God says many times that He doesn’t want our gifts and sacrifices when we give them out of ritual or hypocrisy. God wants us first to love and obey Him.
Obedience is better than sacrifice.
God doesn’t want sacrifices or offerings; He wants us to take joy in doing His will.
It isn’t sacrifices God wants; He desires our obedience and promises that He will be our God and we will be his people.

Here is what I wrote in my journal today, February 24, 2018

Lessons Learned:

Disobedience to what God tells me will always come with consequences.
God doesn’t want just my daily time with Him. He wants obedience to what He tells me to do. This isn’t just for my own benefit. It’s for His glory. When I disobey, I turn out His reflection in my life and in another’s.
Hear His voice, know His voice and act without hesitation or rationalization. Just do it!
Even though I practice a daily, quiet time, it doesn’t make all things right. I need to obey. Rituals without obedience is no good.
Must have a daily connection with God through reading His word, praying and listening for Him. If you do not, it leaves holes in your spiritual armor and leaves you open for attacks.
If there is strife or tension, get to the root of it immediately. If you do not, this leaves you open for attacks as well. Have a discussion, make amends and solve the problem.

Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsake those who seek You.

Psalm 9:10