I write this entry with a heavy heart. The plight of each has become almost unbearable; watching it all unfold from one day to the next is torture. I want to shout to the crowd of onlookers, “What about me? Do you not see what this is doing to me?” Is this selfish? I do not know anything at this moment! I am sullen and held captive by my inability to turn a wrong into right; the daily reminder bears down upon me. I allow the pressures; they determine my day! I cannot disengage and I cannot cope. Where do I even begin?
I cannot fix the broken for I am merely human. What do I possess that reaches the deepest part of man? What can I say or do that will bring change? Although I do try, I fall short, only to be left in disappointment, and saddled with escalating, agonizing grief. No amount of encouragement, sympathy, empathy or shared personal experience will ever transform a darkened soul into Light. I know this to be true because I too lived in darkness; its threat to return is persistent, but the Lord has taught me well and I know how to silence the enemy.
“Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places (Eph. 6:10-12).
I can assure you, I did not walk out of darkness into the Light by my own doing. The nature of a human being is rebellion towards God. We are in opposition to the One who saves us from our sins and trespasses. We are sick with sin upon entry into this world and it is to the dust that we shall return. It is only by the belief in Jesus Christ, His shed blood and resurrection, that we will bypass the grave and live eternally.
“If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. For the Scripture says, “WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED” (Rom. 10:9-13).
There came to me a Crossroad, a place in my life that brought me to my knees, not once but twice, and I had a choice. In total depravity, I knew I would not remain sane by my own accord. I called on Someone bigger. I cried for Someone bigger and He answered my plea.
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light” (1 Peter 2:9; NASB).
It hurts me to see others hurting and when my counsel is without victory, I am consumed with unhappiness, confusion, and desperation; my soul is wounded, incapacitated, and in search of Providence. I know where my help comes from, it comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow my foot to slip; He who keeps me will not slumber (Ps. 121:1-4). I am hobbled without God; I find safety under the shadow of His wings. Come with me, all of you who are weary and troubled, I know the secret, it is in the Holy Scriptures; we are promised rest, peace, love, and joy.
Oh, how I grapple with what to do or say next. I have become mute! I am filled with guilt, frustration, and even anger at my failed efforts. Come on now, you can do this, force yourself to stand tall, “set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth (Col. 3:2).
I am not pleased with myself. Why? “I don’t know?” The silence is deafening! The return is void! The continuous change is cutting! The fault is on me! Is my heart in the right place? I think it is? “No matter what…I love you!” Really? I am livid! God knows the secrets of every heart….Heavenly Father, “search me and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way (Ps. 139:23-24).
I pray to offer words of wisdom and comfort in desperate times. I am demoralized by my pitiful attempts; I tire of hearing them dribble repeatedly from my mouth; it all sounds so trite, haughty, and inappropriate. I do not intend for it to come across this way and if I do offend and create more angst, please forgive me! The devil would have me believe I am ineffective; his constant badgering drives me into doubt, concern, and alarm. He tells me I am nothing and will only amount to what he’s spoken over me. It is tough!! In my pursuit of goodness, I am met with evil every single time. Let no weapon formed against me prosper! I am not your punching bag!!
Maybe, it is not what I do, it is just listening, being present, and giving it to God? Isn’t He able? Of course, He is!! Somehow, this does not seem to be enough. What, are you insane? You are surrendering your befuddlement and troubles to the Creator of heaven and earth, the Alpha and the Omega, the One who is, and who was and who is to come, He is the Almighty (Rev.1:8).
“Yours O LORD is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, indeed everything that is in the heavens and the earth; Yours is the dominion, O LORD and You exalt Yourself as head over all. Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone. We thank you God, and praise your glorious name (1 Chron. 29:11-13).
I aim to be a fixer but it is only God who truly fixes. Hear my prayer and forgive me, Father, for stepping in front of You. “Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For the sake of Your name, O LORD, revive me. In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble…Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; For I trust in You; teach me the way in which I should walk; for to You I lift up my soul. Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies; I take refuge in You” (Ps.143: 8-11).
We are to confess our sins to one another and pray for one another so that we may be healed and it is the effective prayer of the righteous that can accomplish much (James 5:16). So, I humbly come to the Cross of my Lord and Savior, confessing my sins and with the suffering I carry in my heart and I am in great faith that my prayers will be heard and answered; not because of what I have done, but because of the One who lives within me.
I am imperfect, full of error, and just trying to make my way through the day just as anyone else would do. I am not free from trial or persecution. I do not escape from difficulties, hurts, or opposition. I am on the frontlines in Satan’s war against God just as everyone else is. My life is not easy, I have not been without strife, horror, and lowliness. I cry, question, scream and grumble. I know how to isolate, get quiet, withdraw, and shut down. I battle anxious thoughts, bitterness, regrets, and madness. I make bad decisions and must learn from my mistakes in order to be better the next time.
Paul says in Philippians (vv.10-14) that he has learned to be content in whatever circumstances he is in. He knows how to get along with humble means, and knows how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance. He has learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. He can do all things through Him who strengthens him. He says to rejoice in the Lord greatly!
Looking behind will never bear fruit in the Kingdom of God. It is God’s will, plan, and purpose that will go forth and I can go with Him or I can wallow in the past, my eye upon all that I have done or not done. I do not wish to spend the little time that I have left in this world on things that have already happened. I want to wake up each morning in joy, knowing that this is a day the Lord has made; I want to live gratefully and to be a blessing to others. I want the world to see the glory of God in and through me and I want to share God’s love with everyone. Life truly begins when He dwells in the heart of man!!
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:2-4).
“Therefore, we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal” (2 Cor. 4:16-18).
Father, Cure The World’s Disease
Great eternal Original, Author of all created beings and
happiness: I adore you–you who have made us capable of
faith. You who have bestowed this dignity and eloquence
on our nature, that it may be taught to say, “Where is God
our Maker?”
But I lament that degeneracy has spread over the whole
human race, which has turned our glory into shame. The
forgetfulness of God, unnatural as it is, has become a
common and universal disease.
Holy Father, we know that only your presence and
teaching can reclaim your wandering children. Impress a
sense of divine things on the heart, and make that sense
lasting and effectual.
From you proceed all good purposes and desires–and
this desire, above all, of spreading wisdom, piety, and
happiness in this world.
Though we are sunk in such deep apostasy, your infinite
mercy has not utterly forsaken us. Amen (Philip Doddridge)
Our Heavenly Prize 