Why do I find myself antsy with heaviness when home?
I recently had a conversation with Carl (husband) about battling with myself when not engaging with others: work, Bible Study, Outreach, church, volunteering. When alone, I am constantly reminded of who I am without Jesus. Why?
Jesus doesn’t randomly make an appearance in my times of quiet or when I’m out serving. Jesus lives within me which means that I’m never without Him! I am not alone, ever!
Why do I eliminate His presence when on my own? It’s almost as if I step out of who I am in Christ and into who I was before Him. One toe on this Earth and the other in His Kingdom. My split perspectives have got to join together in order to be fully used by God.
I’m reading about Frances Ridley Havergal from the book, “They Found the Secret.” In it, she states:
“There must be full surrender before there can be full blessedness. God admits you by the one into the other.”
What am I withholding from Him? I don’t want anything displeasing in my life but yet I continue to water those fruitless seeds which took root a long time ago! It’s like an old pair of sweats. You know they look terrible and are completely out of style but way too familiar and comfy to throw to the side. You just keep on lounging around in them, praying no one sees you!
I don’t know what these useless seeds are, why I feel compelled to harvest the darkness or how they even got there in the first place! It certainly isn’t pleasant, rewarding or beneficial!
Am I not always a vessel for Him to use? It shouldn’t matter whether I’m silent or in service? Am I not a child of God with a greater purpose? I am a saint, His ambassador whether I’m alone or out in the world. My status (if that’s the right word?) doesn’t change because of where I am or what I’m doing?
He is constant, therefore, I am too.
And, as I sit in my car writing this, I hear Jesus say:
“Your times in isolation is your classroom! I am your teacher, you are my student. In quiet, you learn. In the world, you share your divine knowledge!
What is it that you don’t like about yourself? Where do you dwell when you are alone? Past sins? Present sins? Inadequacies? Weakness? Sweet treats? Your appearance? Does any of this really matter? Don’t go out into the world sizing people up? Don’t look at others and feel inferior! You are part of the Body of Christ. Each person has a different role. I can’t have all my children looking and doing the same thing. My Kingdom, my Glory would go nowhere! This isn’t who I AM!!”
Ms. Havergal goes on to explain:
“…I was shown that ‘the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanseth us from all sins,’ and then it was made plain to me that He who had thus cleansed me had power to keep me clean; so I just utterly yielded myself to Him, and utterly trusted Him to keep me.”
What am I doing to His precious gift when I hold on to the things that aren’t from Him?
What am I showing Him when I listen to dark tales that aren’t even true?
No appreciation for what He did at the cross?
What did Ms. Havergal experience when she completely surrendered?
“There was a constant experiencing of the fruit of the Spirit. There was undiminished and unchanging love for her Savior and for others. There was the joy that “lifted her whole life into sunshine, of which all she had previously experienced was but as pale as passing April gleams, compared with the fullness of summer glory. There was the peace of God that passes understanding, flowing onward, ever deepening and widening under the teaching of God the Holy Spirit.”
To surrender is to let go of EVERYTHING!
To give God ALL inner battles!
I am not faulty, a failure, unworthy, dirty, ugly, fat, dumb, a good for nothing or weak!
To be any of this is to call God the very same things! I am made in His image!
I am marked for a greater purpose!
He took all of my sins upon His back and died a painful death for me.
And, not just me, but for you too!!
To believe the lies of Satan is to discredit Jesus…who He is and what He’s done!
Ms. Havergal says:
“I keep wondering every day what new lovingkindness is coming next! It is such a glorious life! And the really leaving EVERYTHING to Him is so inexpressibly sweet, and surely He does arrange so much better than we could for ourselves, when we leave it all up to Him.”
Is this even possible?
I found myself stuck on a message given by Pastor John Piper. It was called, “Are We Adopted for Us or for God?”
I was intrigued by a certain story that he told of his adopted daughter, Talitha. It’s a made up story but used to create an “Aha” moment in the lives of his listeners.
I listened over and over until I got what the Lord intended for me to have! I’m thankful I didn’t give up!
It’s Talitha’s twenty-third birthday. Pastor John goes out to a hole in the wall florist and buys twenty-three long stemmed roses for his daughter. He hides them in a closet and when the time arises, he gets them and hands them to Talitha (this is not something that he usually buys).
“Why did you do that, daddy?”
Because, as your adopted father, it is my duty. If I weren’t to do it, I would feel guilty. It’s what I’m supposed to do.
Pastor John then goes on to say:
That’s a bad answer!
Joyless duty doesn’t honor her. Joyless duty doesn’t make much of her. You have to stop acting out of that motive.
What’s got to be changed for her (Talitha) to be honored?
He presents the question again:
Why did you do that daddy? Why the roses?
What would be the right answer?
Because I just enjoy spending time with you. Showing you in this time, that it’s special. I love to be with you. You make me happy. I love to do stuff with you. You make me glad.
How would Talitha feel in the moment?
She would feel honored.
My daddy prizes me!
My daddy loves me!
My daddy is making much of me because he delights to be with me!
That’s the way it is with our Father in Heaven.
The story ends!
I have a hard time seeing honor, joy, gladness, enjoyment, satisfaction, significance and delight when I’m alone. I feel all of this when I’m assisting the elderly, sharing stories of God in the resident Bible Study, in church praising God with my husband and best friend, reaching out to New Salvations on the Welcome Team with Elevation Church, and in quiet when I’m being held by my Father in Heaven.
I don’t feel any of this when I’m alone!
I am a wounded child!
I feel sorrow and loss because it’s what I’ve always known.
I don’t want to go there anymore! I’m not there anymore! I surrender this little girl to you, Jesus. You know what to do with her. I, obviously do not! I want to be big and strong and fully accessible to You.
And as I sit here, I see you, Jesus, reaching out and grabbing onto that little girl’s hand. I see where you are going. I see her looking up at you, grateful, that she doesn’t have to be here anymore. She can rest, she can sleep, she can wait patiently until the rest of me meets up with her. My time isn’t finished here, but hers is. She fought long enough. She’s fought hard enough. She’s tired! She wants her Father. I want my Father. I want to be here with my Father. I let this little girl go. I’m not that child anymore. Praise be to God!!
I know the last paragraph of this post is not written as well as it could be if one were to look at it with an educated eye but to me, it’s written perfectly. So perfectly, that all I could do was cry!!
I thank all my readers for your support, encouragement, and love! Thank you for allowing me to share what’s on my heart and what God is doing in my life without any sort of judgment. You have truly blessed me by being part of this God-given project! I love you!!
What song is playing as I finish this post…”Who You Say I Am” by Hillsong Worship!!
Thank you, Jesus, for this awesome confirmation!!