“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So my ways are higher than your ways
And my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8, 9
**This post is a recap of the past two weeks, in which I desperately cried out to God for intervention. Although I was feeling unsteady I knew God’s glory would be on the other side–to which it is! Bare with me as I share His glory with you**
Weight Watcher post on Connect from June 17, 2018:
Sixty-three days of ninety without cookies, cakes, or chocolate and day thirteen of fourteen with a blue dot (Weight Watcher’s way of saying that I stayed in my healthy eating range). I thank all of you for your comments on my last video and on my post this morning. I plan on spending time tomorrow responding! Today was a great food day. Awesome time of prayer and meditation this morning, and I am feeling peaceful in this process. I praise God! Perseverance is His Word for me. So, that is what I will do. I went to church this evening, and it felt cleansing to sit and soak! I hope all of you had a fabulous day!! Sweet dreams!!
**I share this post on my blog because this is the very first time that the Lord spoke to me on perseverance**
The following is taken from my journal (June 20, 2018) and is Inspired by Dr. Charles Stanley from his message, “The Stages of our Christian Life, Part 1.”
Inadequacy is good because this keeps me relying on God. He is where my strength and adequacy comes from. I should never feel adequate on my own terms. This sense of confidence will only eliminate God from whatever it is that “I’m” trying to achieve. It’s almost as if I were saying, “I got this God! No need for your help!” Cockiness and pride are not beneficial characteristics in the life of a Christian. Feeling weak and vulnerable which I’m incredibly familiar with, will lead me straight to God. When there is a success in the task at hand, it puts God on display. His strength is shown to all who know me, especially those that know me on a deep and personal level. Striving for adequacy should not be my goal. I am always looking to accomplish something. If I can just get this done in this sort of way, people will see that I’m not ignorant–that there is some level of intelligence behind the shy smile that I present to the public. I am going to embrace my inadequacy, and I will step back and watch Jesus work.
Inadequacy, unworthiness, imperfection and slack are the things that I’ve always struggled with. I don’t remember a time where I felt proud of myself or was told that I did a great job. I never felt good enough. My friends were always one or two steps ahead of me, and I was reminded of this on many separate occasions.
**Let me just say this: the point of this post is not to point out the people that have contributed to my unsteadiness all throughout my life. What I’m trying to point out is that we all feel inadequate in all sorts of ways for all sorts of different reasons. This re-introduction to my childhood inadequacies are all part of God’s transformation plan. Charles Stanley calls this, “preprogrammed bondage.” I mean no disrespect to anybody. So, instead of rehashing all of the memories that the Lord has put before me in this time with Him, I will just say that all hurts and traumatic events were brought to my attention for the purpose of removing them from my heart and mind…to God be the Glory**
Jesus is cleansing me of conflicts, dysfunction and garbage. He is changing me from the inside first which is the logical place to start! It is a difficult process especially when it’s been etched in my brain at such a young age. I grieve my young life. I grieve many of the events that took place and have, over time, reduced them into something small and manageable. All done at the expense of regaining a sense of wholeness that was once felt. This inner defense ultimately affected my husband and daughter because I just wanted it all to go away! All the emotional burdens that I carried within me festered and grew until everything in my life became unmanageable. Anxiety, fear and depression took hold, and I was a blob of nothingness.
Thankfully, I can look back now on all of my childhood memories and actually see innocence in the adults around me. Two different people, with very different backgrounds, each dealing with their our own dysfunction. There was pain and loneliness in both parties. As was once told to me, “We did the best we could.” And yes, today, I believe they most certainly did.
God was in the midst of all of this and He’s clearly been with me along!! I can look back and see just where He was.
The Lord replied, “ I will make all my goodness pass before you, and I will call out my name, Yahweh, before you. For I will show mercy to anyone I choose, and I will show compassion to anyone I choose. But you may not look directly at my face, for no one may see me and live.” The Lord continued, “Look, stand near me on this rock. As my glorious presence passes by, I will hide you in the crevice of the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and let you see me from behind. But my face will not be seen.”
He did just as He said, and I see Him now! I know He put a limit on the things that came against me. He didn’t give me any more than I could handle. He allowed things to happen to mold and shape me in order to fulfill His purpose for me on this earth. It all has to come out. I cannot be a vessel for Jesus if I’m filled up with damage. I welcome this transformation and I know that His glory is on the other side.
Praise God for Galatians 2:20:
My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
June 22, 2018/Journal Entry
Allow Jesus to respond to all situations–only act when He calls to move. I don’t have to struggle, search or muster the strength to accomplish anything that isn’t from Him. There is no struggle when He leads the charge! Step out of the way and let Him work! This is not your life to live. You were brought into this world because Jesus has a plan! You know His voice! Listen!!
June 23, 2018/Journal Entry
I am reflecting on the past two weeks while Carl has been away in Hawaii. He will arrive later this morning. It has been a victorious two weeks, all glory be to God! My relationship with my Father has deepened. I didn’t feel one moment of loneliness. I had a couple iffy moments but they didn’t hang around long. I referred to my “battle list” and persevered–just as He told me to do.
Before Carl left, I prayed for Jesus’ help during this time. I know my routine because travel has always been part of Carl’s job. I know that loneliness, sadness, isolation and food are my go-to coping mechanisms. I did not want the “old” Racinda to return. We had come too far to turn back now. I knew the Lord was my only option to keep sane. I wouldn’t make it through, unscathed, without Him.
In this time of prayer, the Lord instructed me to prepare a “battle list,” to which I did. I wrote down everything that came to mind. This would be a “to-do” list when times got desperate. I reverted to it on two occasions. I knew the spirit of depression was heading towards my door so I grabbed my list and quickly picked a tactic! My kitchen cabinets are clean and organized which took about two hours. On the second day, I spent a fair amount of time in the newly remodeled, Walmart, buying toiletries and a much-needed trash can.
A mental craziness did creep in during the first week of Carl’s departure. I was overwhelmed and sat quickly and quietly before God. His word (once again) was “perseverance!” He reminded me that I did nothing “spiritually wrong” and that I shouldn’t always attribute negative emotion to something that I did. It’s a red flag to sit and get still with Him. He isn’t mad at me or asking that I be perfect. He’s just calling me to get close and bask in His love. Oh, what a wonderful God He is! Knowing this vital information has kept me moving forward.
Morgan (one of my divine best friends) validated, encouraged and supported me several times over the telephone. Our conversations are always a lovely reminder that God is faithfully present in our lives. I cannot begin to explain how many times I’ve hung up the phone with her and just felt completely valued and at peace!
I went to church, by myself, on Saturday (June 16, 2018) and it propelled me into my second week without my husband. It was what I needed to make it through the last leg of this separation. I felt great inspiration as I gathered with other believers, worshipping God Almighty, each in our own way–some singing, some with raised hands, some with heads bowed, and others just listening and soaking in His presence. Cleansing!!
I want to remember the past two weeks! God was one hundred percent faithful to my prayer before my husband left on his trip. I have been blessed with freedom–something that I’ve never experienced before. I will continue to persevere because I love Jesus Christ. He has blasted His way through my heavy chains that have held me captive for so many years.
I don’t have to find a new job that pays more money. I don’t have to have a higher education to be significant. I don’t have to have a gazillion followers on my blog. I don’t have to be the voice of reason on the videos that I make for Weight Watchers. I don’t have to eat and drink and be social. None of this extra-curricular activity determines my position in life nor my next steps. I am exactly who God created me to be. I am finally happy with who I am because of Jesus.
On top of all this splendid truth, I’m relieved to find out that this life is no longer mine. This life that I’ve been leading every day is now all for Jesus! From this point on, I’m going to walk in the Spirit. I will move out of His way so that He can continue his work on this earth in and through me! This is freedom! Yes, the flesh is demanding and it wants what it wants. It reaches out to anything that is appealing and it doesn’t matter what it is–as long as it feels, tastes, or is visually exciting. The flesh will come alive instantly with great desire. I don’t want to walk this way anymore. By the strength and might of God, I will walk in the Spirit, filled with joy and peace.
What is my “battle list” if my flesh demands its way? Get quiet before God. Tell Him of my struggle and allow Him to take it from me. Get up and move. Don’t sit in fleshly desire(s)– read Scripture, pray, write, contact a friend, clean, go for a bike ride, organize, take a car ride, walk, listen to Christian music…take action. I know when I’m sinking!
Most important…remember to get with God each day. Give Him my best time of the day. God is my priority. He is my Almighty Father in Heaven and He loves me.
To: My Child, Racinda
From: Your Loving Father
“The rain and snow come down from the heavens
And stay on the ground to water the earth.
They cause the grain to grow,
Producing seed for the farmer
And bread for the hungry.
It is the same with my word.
I send it out, and it always produces fruit.
It will accomplish all I want it to,
And it will prosper everywhere I send it.
You will live in joy and peace.
The mountains and hills will burst into song,
and the trees of the field will clap their hands!
Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.
Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up.
These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name;
They will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”